"Runs In The Family"

"I mean well, I'm well, well, I mean, I'm in Hell
Well, I still have my health, at least that's what they tell me
If wellness is this what in HELL'S NAME IS SICKNESS??"

I don't even know where I'm starting this off. It's been SO long since I've been in the mood to write. I'm finally starting to focus on where I need to be-getting my brain back on the right track. I've spent so much of the past year or so partying; not caring what I'm doing or where I'm going with my life. I regret it. I'm realizing now that all I really want to do, is sell most of my stuff, and move back into my parent's house. I miss being with them, and my brothers...I miss having a church family to keep me accountable, and seeing my mom and dad and everyone. I feel like I'm living on the outside of some picture, and I can't break into the foreground...I'm just allowed looking in from everyone else's point of view. I already know I'm not headed in a great direction. I want to be able to work, and save as much money as possible, and go to school, and get a better vehicle, and stay away from the drugs that I was so deeply into so very recently. I'm finally clean, and I want more than anything to stay that way. I LOVE having my own place, but I won't move forward with how my life is going. It just won't. I want to keep my own apartment, but I don't know if that's the best idea for me. Mentally, I think it'd be for the best if I moved back into my parent's house. I'm back to hurting myself, and I KNOW i can't be doing that. I don't WANT to! But I still do it. And the thing of it is, I'm not consciously doing it. I "black out" and cut, then "come back" mentally, and it's done. And then I'm bleeding, and I'm even more depressed than before, and it's just a never ending cycle of mess and hurt and anger. I don't want to live like that. It's not an environment I can flourish in. And it never will be. Until I get my mind better, everything will be a mess. It's been like that for far too long. With wanting to move back to my parent's house, I'm looking at it with more maturity-I want to move back to save money, and better myself-not just struggle like I currently am. I was able to talk to a few fairly wise people earlier this evening, and I guess I'm not doing all that badly for being 20 years old. I have my own apartment, (and it's nice), I own my car, I have a full time job/career (even if I don't want to be there).....I'm really doing well for myself with my age and in my peer group. But I don't feel that way. I'm just....I've been able to go so far at this point, but it doesn't feel like it's worth anything. I don't want to give up my place, and my "stuff" buuuut, I could be doing SO much more with my life if only I could save my money and go to school. I just don't know what to do right now....

jesse.

To Jesse.

new year, new mistakes, new lessons learned.