Monday, November 4, 2013

Turnabout

After the awful horrible night/yesterday, I felt that it would take a miracle to "fix me."
   
     Well, this morning, after waking up to my eyes swollen shut from crying, I got myself together, and went to church with my family. That was the best decision I'd made in a while. Throughout the services, EVERYTHING spoke to me. Then tonight, I went to church with my literal best friend in the entire world. Yet another good decision. This afternoon, I got a phone call from Kohl's, offering me a job on their replenishment team. While not exactly the job description I was hoping for, it's a job, a paycheck, and a direction.
     I also was able to talk to the person I blew up at last night and APOLOGIZE. And I am so glad that I was given the opportunity to do so; he means the absolute world to me and I never want to lose him. Things are back to "normal" with us. Thank God.
     I can't express just how thankful I am right now to just look at the transformation that has happened within 24 hours. I would have never expected it...just goes to prove you can never underestimate GOD.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Solitude.

Crying, listening to everything in my itunes library that has a "down" feeling to it.


This is how I'm spending my Saturday night.




   I'm lonely. I'm such a social person, and I feel trapped. I'm starting to freak out; today was the worst day I've had in a while. I'm home. Constantly. I've been turned down for every job I've applied to. I'm so discouraged. So let down. So frustrated. I feel so alone.
   My mom got on my case because I'm "not trying hard enough." I apologized; I've been trying. I am just in such mental turmoil 24/7. I'm hardly sleeping; when I do, I wake up from nightmares shaking, sweating, feeling like I've just barely escaped something horrible. This morning I woke up after about 5 hours of sleep, waking from a bad dream that ended with my attempting to save someone who was being attacked by someone with a knife; I woke up and sat straight up and had to check to make sure I had all my fingers-it all felt SO real. I was shaking. I couldn't fall asleep again. I was scared to try. I was and AM so tired.
    I don't know what to do. My parents told me I'd see a counselor-nothing has happened in that direction at this point. I'm so...i don't know what to do. I've wanted to cut-I scratched my arm yesterday. I felt so ashamed. It'd been about a month since I'd last done that. I so badly want to be past that. It makes me feel so helpless. It makes me feel small. I lose hope every time i reach for something sharp. But yet I still do it.
    Where do I go from here?

     I see no direction. I'm so afraid of being "stuck." That's how I feel that I'll end up. Stuck. At this point, with no job; no money; no opportunity to see anyone....I'm slowly shutting down. I can physically feel it. I never wanted to feel this again. But yet it's there. I don't know how to escape the feeling. I've been going to church; I've been reading my Bible. I've been doing devotions. I've been praying. Why do I still feel this way? Why do I feel like nothing has changed? I'm TRYING.
     I miss people. PEOPLE in general. It's been a month since I've moved back home; I feel isolated. I was invited to hang out with friends tonight but my mom refused to "let me go" (being that I'm an adult of 21, I am allowed to come and go depending on the situation/company, however I know if I just do what I want, things will not be good between my mom and I. Hence the limitations/boundaries.) I am doing my best to honor her and my dad's wishes...trying to help out around the house, with my brothers, and do what they ask of me, when they ask it. If they say I'm not allowed going somewhere, I respect that. I've been invited different times to go do something, but they have said no...so I've said no. It's so hard for me. I'm such a social person; it's hurting me to stay so by myself. It physically HURTS. It's affecting me negatively, mentally. I'm starting to shut down. That dark feeling is creeping back over me. And I don't have any idea how to push it back.
    I feel let down. The one person who I've gone to see lately has promised me things; such as gas money for when I did go see them, and/or to come pick me up to hang out. Neither has happened...plans keep being made, then broken. And I am just so ready at this point to say forget it..I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I'm tired of it. So tired. Tomorrow, they're supposed to come pick me up so we can hang out and then go to church together in the evening. I am SO not getting my hopes up. I've done that too many times. So, it's truly "whatever."
    I feel like I'm being a whiny child with all this. I just had to say all these things that are stuck in my mind. I just simply didn't know what else to do. I can't talk to my mom about this b/c she's a part of what I'm frustrated with/about. I haven't been around anyone else to talk to. So this is my outlet. This is the one place I can say all this without worrying about retribution. And as much as that saddens me, I'll accept it.