tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44677939777962213392024-03-02T02:13:07.533-05:00"IMPOSSIBLE""Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-82485036159373497182013-11-04T00:18:00.000-05:002013-11-04T00:18:23.492-05:00TurnaboutAfter the awful horrible night/yesterday, I felt that it would take a miracle to "fix me."<br /> <br />
Well, this morning, after waking up to my eyes swollen shut from crying, I got myself together, and went to church with my family. That was the best decision I'd made in a while. Throughout the services, EVERYTHING spoke to me. Then tonight, I went to church with my literal best friend in the entire world. Yet another good decision. This afternoon, I got a phone call from Kohl's, offering me a job on their replenishment team. While not exactly the job description I was hoping for, it's a job, a paycheck, and a direction.<br /> I also was able to talk to the person I blew up at last night and APOLOGIZE. And I am so glad that I was given the opportunity to do so; he means the absolute world to me and I never want to lose him. Things are back to "normal" with us. Thank God.<br /> I can't express just how thankful I am right now to just look at the transformation that has happened within 24 hours. I would have never expected it...just goes to prove you can never underestimate GOD.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-18310520521286492602013-11-02T22:09:00.000-04:002013-11-02T22:09:16.735-04:00Solitude.Crying, listening to everything in my itunes library that has a "down" feeling to it.<br /><br /><br />This is how I'm spending my Saturday night.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> I'm lonely. I'm such a social person, and I feel trapped. I'm starting to freak out; today was the worst day I've had in a while. I'm home. Constantly. I've been turned down for every job I've applied to. I'm so discouraged. So let down. So frustrated. I feel so alone.<br />
My mom got on my case because I'm "not trying hard enough." I apologized; I've been trying. I am just in such mental turmoil 24/7. I'm hardly sleeping; when I do, I wake up from nightmares shaking, sweating, feeling like I've just barely escaped something horrible. This morning I woke up after about 5 hours of sleep, waking from a bad dream that ended with my attempting to save someone who was being attacked by someone with a knife; I woke up and sat straight up and had to check to make sure I had all my fingers-it all felt SO real. I was shaking. I couldn't fall asleep again. I was scared to try. I was and AM so tired.<br />
I don't know what to do. My parents told me I'd see a counselor-nothing has happened in that direction at this point. I'm so...i don't know what to do. I've wanted to cut-I scratched my arm yesterday. I felt so ashamed. It'd been about a month since I'd last done that. I so badly want to be past that. It makes me feel so helpless. It makes me feel small. I lose hope every time i reach for something sharp. But yet I still do it.<br />
Where do I go from here?<br />
<br />
I see no direction. I'm so afraid of being "stuck." That's how I feel that I'll end up. Stuck. At this point, with no job; no money; no opportunity to see anyone....I'm slowly shutting down. I can physically feel it. I never wanted to feel this again. But yet it's there. I don't know how to escape the feeling. I've been going to church; I've been reading my Bible. I've been doing devotions. I've been praying. Why do I still feel this way? Why do I feel like nothing has changed? I'm TRYING.<br />
I miss people. PEOPLE in general. It's been a month since I've moved back home; I feel isolated. I was invited to hang out with friends tonight but my mom refused to "let me go" (being that I'm an adult of 21, I am allowed to come and go depending on the situation/company, however I know if I just do what I want, things will not be good between my mom and I. Hence the limitations/boundaries.) I am doing my best to honor her and my dad's wishes...trying to help out around the house, with my brothers, and do what they ask of me, when they ask it. If they say I'm not allowed going somewhere, I respect that. I've been invited different times to go do something, but they have said no...so I've said no. It's so hard for me. I'm such a social person; it's hurting me to stay so by myself. It physically HURTS. It's affecting me negatively, mentally. I'm starting to shut down. That dark feeling is creeping back over me. And I don't have any idea how to push it back.<br />
I feel let down. The one person who I've gone to see lately has promised me things; such as gas money for when I did go see them, and/or to come pick me up to hang out. Neither has happened...plans keep being made, then broken. And I am just so ready at this point to say forget it..I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I'm tired of it. So tired. Tomorrow, they're supposed to come pick me up so we can hang out and then go to church together in the evening. I am SO not getting my hopes up. I've done that too many times. So, it's truly "whatever."<br /> I feel like I'm being a whiny child with all this. I just had to say all these things that are stuck in my mind. I just simply didn't know what else to do. I can't talk to my mom about this b/c she's a part of what I'm frustrated with/about. I haven't been around anyone else to talk to. So this is my outlet. This is the one place I can say all this without worrying about retribution. And as much as that saddens me, I'll accept it.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-8152638701399272782013-10-19T16:29:00.001-04:002013-10-19T16:29:37.221-04:00Sweetest Day? Nah. Just a reminder of heartache.Sweetest Day. Fuck that. A Hallmark Holiday if ever there was one. Couples who truly love each other will show the kind of affection that this day brings, all year long. They won't need ANOTHER specialized day to show it. I mean, birthdays, Valentines (which I wholeheartedly believe in) and, of course, Christmas, are already available. Why ANOTHER occasion for presents? Jeez.<br /><br />Ok. So maybe I'm a bit jaded. Well, no. I am. Recently I've looked back at all my relationships (with guys), and all but one has been a huge mistake. I've been hurt by men(guys)/boys too much for me to have a healthy relationship with most. I've been told to my face by all but one former boyfriend, that their entire intent and purpose in dating me was to get me in bed, and show me off to their friends. So, yeah. Maybe I am bitter. But I feel like I have reason to be. I've been hurt sexually, mentally, and emotionally too damn much to not broadcast my negativity outwardly.<br /><br />I'm waiting...every single day...for that guy to show up in my life. To show me, and make known that he wants nothing more in life than to protect me and love me and value me. To this point, I've not had that. The deepest desire in my heart is to find the right guy, eventually get married, and start a family of my own. But I'm to the point of losing hope. I know I'm only 21...that I have the rest of my life to figure this out. I don't want to wait though. I don't. I feel like, at this point, with literally NO options, I'm never going to get there. Ever. And that thought hurts me, and scares me. I try to not think about it, much less TALK about it. Today though, I can't help but let my mind go there.<br /><br />One day, I'll probably look back on my words surrounding this issue, and laugh. Maybe it'll be while I'm planning my wedding; maybe it'll be holding my first child. Maybe I won't read these later in life. Who knows. I feel like I'm just being silly right now...but I don't care. I have these feelings that are stored up inside me and I'm tired of not thinking about them.<br /><br />I wish today was different. I wish I was different. I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I wasn't bitter. I wish I had somebody.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-72648831227782992932013-10-14T13:52:00.000-04:002013-10-14T13:52:09.570-04:00Here I am again. Sitting on the floor in my room at my parent's house, crying. Mom and I just got into it over curtains. She doesn't want me to put mine up cause according to her, they don't look nice. During our discussion, she made it clear that she doesn't want me here. If she would have told me that earlier, before I moved back in, I'd have appreciated it. I truthfully don't know what the hell to do. I just don't. I'm stuck. I though I was gonna make it. I had an awesome place on my own, a job that pretty much paid the bills; even with all that I wanted to harm myself-daily I struggled with the urge to just leave. I researched running away, and suicide. Because I stuck with it, I thought I was strong. But I couldn't make it. I quit my job. I moved back home. I failed. And it hurts so much knowing I'm back to square one. No advancement. I've just disappointed EVERYONE. Including me. I hate that I couldn't do it. I tried so hard. SO hard. I' still stuck with the 13 year old me who hid and cut herself. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I can't get away from her. She follows me. Wherever I go and whatever I do. And it sucks. SO much. I feel like I'm never going to get ahead. I'm stuck between failure and fuckup. And I don't know how to fix this. I put so much work into having a nice place to live, and it's GONE. I'm now living with my parents, knowing they don't want me here. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't know how to fix this. I'm at the point of giving up again. To be three years an adult and still HERE- I just can't deal with it. I hate knowing I disappointed my parents. I hate knowing I failed. I hate being alone. ALL I want from life is to find someone & have kids. I want to be a mom. So bad. And I'm watching friends of mine unintentionally have kids, and not want them like I do. And that hurts me. I feel like a kid would be something i COULD do right. And I know i have to change a lot about me before it'd be fair to bring someone else into the world...I'm just so sick and tired of being a failure. I wish I could erase the last three years and just do everything over. I just don't know what else to do.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-44253703631604026782012-12-06T01:10:00.001-05:002012-12-06T01:10:55.843-05:00"Runs In The Family""I mean well, I'm well, well, I mean, I'm in Hell<br />
Well, I still have my health, at least that's what they tell me<br />
If wellness is this what in HELL'S NAME IS SICKNESS??"<br />
<br />
I don't even know where I'm starting this off. It's been SO long since I've been in the mood to write. I'm finally starting to focus on where I need to be-getting my brain back on the right track. I've spent so much of the past year or so partying; not caring what I'm doing or where I'm going with my life. I regret it. I'm realizing now that all I really want to do, is sell most of my stuff, and move back into my parent's house. I miss being with them, and my brothers...I miss having a church family to keep me accountable, and seeing my mom and dad and everyone. I feel like I'm living on the outside of some picture, and I can't break into the foreground...I'm just allowed looking in from everyone else's point of view. I already know I'm not headed in a great direction. I want to be able to work, and save as much money as possible, and go to school, and get a better vehicle, and stay away from the drugs that I was so deeply into so very recently. I'm finally clean, and I want more than anything to stay that way. I LOVE having my own place, but I won't move forward with how my life is going. It just won't. I want to keep my own apartment, but I don't know if that's the best idea for me. Mentally, I think it'd be for the best if I moved back into my parent's house. I'm back to hurting myself, and I KNOW i can't be doing that. I don't WANT to! But I still do it. And the thing of it is, I'm not consciously doing it. I "black out" and cut, then "come back" mentally, and it's done. And then I'm bleeding, and I'm even more depressed than before, and it's just a never ending cycle of mess and hurt and anger. I don't want to live like that. It's not an environment I can flourish in. And it never will be. Until I get my mind better, everything will be a mess. It's been like that for far too long. With wanting to move back to my parent's house, I'm looking at it with more maturity-I want to move back to save money, and better myself-not just struggle like I currently am. I was able to talk to a few fairly wise people earlier this evening, and I guess I'm not doing all that badly for being 20 years old. I have my own apartment, (and it's nice), I own my car, I have a full time job/career (even if I don't want to be there).....I'm really doing well for myself with my age and in my peer group. But I don't feel that way. I'm just....I've been able to go so far at this point, but it doesn't feel like it's worth anything. I don't want to give up my place, and my "stuff" buuuut, I could be doing SO much more with my life if only I could save my money and go to school. I just don't know what to do right now....Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-38720939977195427962012-02-21T22:21:00.000-05:002012-02-21T22:21:12.437-05:00jesse.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-22664400377122197712012-02-21T22:18:00.000-05:002012-02-21T22:18:24.255-05:00To Jesse.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-28963664513711306112012-01-01T19:26:00.000-05:002012-01-01T19:26:16.697-05:00new year, new mistakes, new lessons learned.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-4849000233075417602011-11-29T14:35:00.000-05:002011-11-29T14:35:10.235-05:00twentyfour random things i thought about.1. i hate my job, even though it's not hard and it's good money.<br />
2. i get depressed every time i see snow.<br />
3. being a grown-up sucks. <br />
4. i cry every time i look at pictures of her and i.<br />
5. starbucks and newports were our tradition. <br />
6. i get tattoos so i don't pick up another knife.<br />
7. my best friends are my journal, and a hipster with John Lennon on her forearm.<br />
8. i miss being in high school. things were easier then.<br />
9. i wish i could pull off short hair.<br />
10. i hate "up-enders." <br />
11. i love "uppers." <br />
12. (i also love "downers.")<br />
13. the Cleveland skyline makes me happy.<br />
14. every time i eat an entire Chipotle burrito in one sitting, i make myself throw it up. <br />
15. all the guys that like me and seem to be worth my time live in different time zones.<br />
16. i wish i were a ginger.<br />
17. i wish i had the guts to work in an ER. <br />
18. i hate when 30 year olds act like they're 18. <br />
19. i wish the White Stripes would get back together. <br />
20. i missed Cedar Point this past summer. <br />
21. i hate the way tattoos itch. <br />
22. i have decided to start reading up on being an EMT or some such thing. i need a direction in life.<br />
23. i love the way that the "F-U-N" song can make anyone smile. anytime.<br />
24. i really dislike regular coke. it HAS to be diet.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0Cannes, France43.552847 7.017369000000030643.5150035 6.9523755000000307 43.5906905 7.0823625000000305tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-39308151812007819752011-08-04T19:10:00.000-04:002011-08-04T19:10:49.548-04:00screaming at myself in the mirror...soooo i woke up today thinking it was gonna be an awesome day. really did. got to spend some serious time with someone i was missing like craaaazy. my plans? celebrating my bffs birthday, going out for wings, shopping, and more time with previously mentioned someone. it was going good till i found this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigXHEzhVXLhsw9y3kfKlIrBQLSvpmItGX5u8lggCrZiQ8i2Iw6gOD5uHRs8VSACYSDXWszo8XEwrGgtosaeP-hHsYxCW9quh9eekm4GodY173TiQtXSmHK-C7J8wlLGF1t8s0b5O_FlDoR/s1600/DSC00889.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigXHEzhVXLhsw9y3kfKlIrBQLSvpmItGX5u8lggCrZiQ8i2Iw6gOD5uHRs8VSACYSDXWszo8XEwrGgtosaeP-hHsYxCW9quh9eekm4GodY173TiQtXSmHK-C7J8wlLGF1t8s0b5O_FlDoR/s320/DSC00889.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
.....and this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZy8c9xPZV7uysGzCBpOryoAD19YXrlg3JCfGy3AW9NzhHhxuUHFxFkxVR_vUJkwHeblKeI-axTLW_szPRMID_ZCLUqn4C1K_BBFQGDheLKrh1LfiCV6Y8cE0mVzayGYPUkw-lx_FZZFuE/s1600/DSC00892.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZy8c9xPZV7uysGzCBpOryoAD19YXrlg3JCfGy3AW9NzhHhxuUHFxFkxVR_vUJkwHeblKeI-axTLW_szPRMID_ZCLUqn4C1K_BBFQGDheLKrh1LfiCV6Y8cE0mVzayGYPUkw-lx_FZZFuE/s320/DSC00892.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
...and this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEG6XUOmN60mUFy-AO_Vz9uhPg1tlM6ADnU5FiJrfPQhIwlM1Qq-gXrp6j4CHqGy20mbeZ-li9wuJ0EbpMgxvlbBen5EgZIYR_HRbkIwYrIWiFNwX17J_rZY5Jex0Rb5GILtDPZRtJSVVk/s1600/DSC00890.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEG6XUOmN60mUFy-AO_Vz9uhPg1tlM6ADnU5FiJrfPQhIwlM1Qq-gXrp6j4CHqGy20mbeZ-li9wuJ0EbpMgxvlbBen5EgZIYR_HRbkIwYrIWiFNwX17J_rZY5Jex0Rb5GILtDPZRtJSVVk/s320/DSC00890.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
.....fun times. cops were called and all that good shit. talked to my insurance, and found out they won't pay a thing with this. sooo im paying you to do nothing. fuck that shit.<br />
<br />
......im just so frustrated.<br />
<br />
now my plans for the day? go put duct tape and garbage bags on my car. pick up broken glass. scream a little more. fun times.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-61408041706573821502011-08-02T22:51:00.000-04:002011-08-02T22:51:05.547-04:00learned something lately-TRUST....ive never been one to let myself go-to just put all i have into someone else. to let my future be in their hands.<br />
.........frankly, though, it's the only way to go.<br />
<br />
I went through so much. stress, depression, etc. i couldn't see the proverbial "light" everyone is supposed to be looking for. i don't think i even cared to look for it. i had just given up.<br />
<br />
TRUST.<br />
<br />
i have given it ALL to the One who can handle it...and it's been handled, and is better than i could have ever imagined.<br />
<br />
ive been angry..and now, everything seems to be okay. i had lost my job, and now have 2.<br />
i was lonely, and have realised im surrounded by wonderful, amazing friends. i was tired, and now im awake and refreshed. everything is good again.<br />
<br />
....there are still things that worry me...PCS, one of my oldest and best friends' life choices........<br />
.......and all i can do at this point is pray for those situations-cause, in one, we've fought and fought and fought and there's nothing else to do but pray. Of course, prayer ought to be the first thing one turns to, but so often, it's the last. that was true in my case.<br />
<br />
im just done fighting, and pushing away. i know ill still end up getting hurt, and hurting people, but im gonna get through it, and only by the grace of God.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-35035402622686224982011-07-22T21:47:00.000-04:002011-07-22T21:47:20.704-04:00...hanging my head. always just one step behind never able to catch up.....my life. it seems like it's just one fuckup after another. family is fighting. drama drama drama.<br />
<br />
.....ive been through SO much shit. im fed up and done with it.<br />
<br />
i want someone to hold me. i want someone to talk to, and someone who's shoulder i'll have to cry on.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
im sick of wanting to hurt myself because of other people.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i thought my life was gonna be good. i was moving out, had a well-paying job, and i was gonna be happy. now...i don't know what to think.<br />
<br />
i found out people weren't who i thought they were.<br />
i was jerked around and lied to.<br />
i was played.<br />
i was harassed.<br />
i was sent reeling and i was fucked over.<br />
<br />
and looking back on it all, im done.<br />
<br />
i've built up walls and there are reasons.<br />
....do you not see that what you've done and what you've told me have caused me to lose trust?<br />
<br />
what are you gonna do to bring me back around?<br />
...cause i can pretty much guarantee it's not gonna work.<br />
<br />
i'm struggling. i'm working my ass off to make my life work. and i guess i've learned that in order to make it work, i can't rely on anyone but myself. so fuck this.<br />
<br />
//rant.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-38461974663411215352011-01-08T01:02:00.000-05:002011-01-08T01:02:37.903-05:00" A New Year, a New...You? " ...and other Elephants in the room.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A-hem. Alright then. All eyes forward. Yes, that's right. It's officially a New Year. And what have I managed to accomplish in the past 365 days? Not much worthwhile. Striving to make 2011 a better year-one with less brazenness; less holding back? Mhm...that's what I'm leaning towards. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Enough with the melodrama. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AGH! I'M ALMOST 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">can you believe it???</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't. I'm absolutely shocked by this realization. Totally and Utterly shocked. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Annnnd scene. I'm tired. I started this, and i guess it shall have to be a work-in-progress. </span>Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-45580058938417301822010-11-14T14:20:00.000-05:002010-11-14T14:20:07.579-05:00These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things...*Babies: the sweet, clean way they smell, the way they look when they're asleep, they way they giggle.<br />
*Caramel Macchiatos: to be enjoyed in an overstuffed leather chair, with a side of Snow Patrol, or The Smiths, and a good, musty smelling book.<br />
*Hoodies: they remind me of bonfires, football games, and wet tennis shoes.<br />
*Music. enough said.<br />
*Cameras: the way i can get lost in the ideas i get while walking around looking at things.<br />
*Soccer: it's exercise that i actually LIKE. :)<br />
*Curios George: something about the innocence of that monkey just gets me.<br />
*Books: i get lost. in the best ways.<br />
*Edgar Allen Poe: yeah, he was crazy, and into drugs, and yes, he married his cousin, but that was the norm back then...he was genius.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-68489808488059879552010-11-12T01:54:00.000-05:002010-11-12T01:54:49.989-05:00The Smiths and all things Inky.<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRtW1MAZ32M">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRtW1MAZ32M</a><br />
<br />
"And if a double decker bus crashes into us, tonight by your side is such a Heavenly way to die."<br />
<br />
Yes. I am a sucker for old(er) music. :) I'm a nerd, and I'm not afraid to flaunt that.<br />
<br />
Ok. So. I've been at my job for about 2 and a half months. So far, i like it. A lot.<br />
I'm good at what I do, and I've made a lot of new friends. I can get as many hours in as i want to-i could work a 12 hour day if I so desired-which I DON'T, but if I wanted to, I could. It's tiring, and sometimes I start to crack, but most of the time, it's good. :)<br />
<br />
I'm on a campaign to stop smoking. Cigarettes contain arsenic, cyanide, carpet glue, and now, whale barf. Whyyyy do i like them exactly? yuuuck.<br />
<br />
Annnnnnd I digress.<br />
<br />
I started this post a few days ago. And now I have new stuff to talk about. Whether or not anyone chooses to listen, that's up to them.<br />
<br />
I've met someone. For now, just a friend. Who knows...it might go further, it might not. Either way, I found a new friend with similar interests. :) And I'm stealing something from him-cause I'm horribly envious and wish I could freestyle like him. And here it is.<br />
<br />
<h3 class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" data-ft="{"type":"msg"}" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="UIStory_Message"><br />
</span></h3><h3 class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" data-ft="{"type":"msg"}" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="UIStory_Message">"Freedom In Distress-People Hypnotized By The Me<wbr></wbr><span class="word_break" style="display: block; float: left; margin-left: -10px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"></span>dia N Press-The Most Important Message Digressed Economy Recessed-People Dyin Cuz It C<wbr></wbr><span class="word_break" style="display: block; float: left; margin-left: -10px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"></span>osts Thousands To Reses.itate. People Gettin Tossed Aside Like Elimi Date Government Telling Its People To Wait Cuz They Got Too Much Stacked On Their Dinner Plates. Me I'm Not The Kind To Wait For What-Democracy? To Make Another Mistake! Takin<wbr></wbr><span class="word_break" style="display: block; float: left; margin-left: -10px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"></span>g Tr<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">ips To Elegant Beaches. Americans Arise-Tell Your Government-The Title Of Our Speeches Called Democracy-Rest In Pieces." -Tyler McCain. </span></span></h3><div><span class="UIStory_Message"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><br />
</span></span></div><div>Yup....he's pretty cool. :)</div><div><br />
</div><div>THIIIIISSSS is random. It's like, random on adderall. With an extra helping of ADD. And I'm sorry. But it's what's going on in my head right now. It's been too long since I've been on here, and I've gotta just sort of type stuff as it comes to me. </div><div><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZKO421_RVuci0j0gpC-1V-Fky5nlis0uNRfeWctEVX4mRDn42RZGFRSe-pI4YXb30d9840AUt_8abSYn_RBT1RAbQkm39zd78wS0Imhy8f0TxQTy6SJicrJqnUho-29t_ndwa0x0nKNEU/s1600/72209_496260826158_662381158_7212502_4113849_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZKO421_RVuci0j0gpC-1V-Fky5nlis0uNRfeWctEVX4mRDn42RZGFRSe-pI4YXb30d9840AUt_8abSYn_RBT1RAbQkm39zd78wS0Imhy8f0TxQTy6SJicrJqnUho-29t_ndwa0x0nKNEU/s400/72209_496260826158_662381158_7212502_4113849_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div>This year, for TWLOHA <a href="http://www.twloha.com/">http://www.twloha.com/</a>, I, instead of just writing "LOVE" on my arm, did this:---------------------------->>>>></div><div><br />
</div><div>Those lines? They're the names of over 60 people who asked me to pray for them; people who've lost someone to suicide; people who've cut; people who've come to points in their lives and thought, "No way. I'm done. I'm tired of dealing with all this. I'm just done." </div><div>...I've been there, and made it through to the other side. It looks completely undoable at first, to get through, alive, but it IS possible. I'm living, (scarred) proof. There's HOPE. and LOVE. <3 Writing all these names-seeing them on my arm at work, I was reminded to pray. Goes along with the Bible, and how we're supposed to "pray without ceasing." It really did help me. The people God brings through the hard stuff, have a testimony-a story to tell, and let it be used by God in whatever way He sees fit. </div><div> ....I met alot of amazing people on FB on the TWLOHA FB page-one girl stands out-Crystal, and her baby girl, Zoya. Something else that stands out-Jeri, and her kids, including Aleea, whose (husband/daddy) decided it'd be better/easier/whatever to take his life instead of seeking help. Those two stories brought tears to my eyes, and I've been praying alot for them all. The names serve as quiet reminders...</div><div><br />
</div><div>On another note. I GOT CHEEZITS!!! I've been craving those tasty little orange crackers for awhile. Soooo, yesterday, on a whim, I went to Big Lots and bought an entire box, all for myself. And I also got Arizona tea. I'd rather have Peace Tea, but I'm good with saving the $$ at Big Lots. :) </div><div>These amazing little four sided baked epitomes of yummy were taken to work with me today, but they were hardly touched. Incept fed us. Because we had a great October. :) Hard work pays off...and, in the words of Dave Walter, "Just think 'Steak.' " ...I like the way this guy thinks! :p<br />
....there was aloooot of food. subs, chips, cake, and then, they came around later when we were all back on the phone, and were dragging a cooler around with popsicles/fudge pops/orange creamsicles!!! I have an awesome job-they pay me to sit there and talk on the phone, colour, and eat ice cream! ...haha not really...those are just perks. But really-it's a great job-Sooooo thankful to have it! ....Worked from 10:30 to 9:45 today to help pick up the LifesourceREM's...between the 20 of us who came in early, we kicked major bootaaayyy! the files were done by, i wanna say, 1pm? ...and we started at 11. Sooo. between us all, we got about 2000 files done! :D Way to be guys! ! !<br />
<br />
....just looked at the bottom of the screen-it's almost 2am! ...gotta get off to bed...heading into work by 10 am and trying to get to where I'm worked up to a 50 hour work week. :) Not gonna be easy, but eventually...</div>Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-40511922111936015572010-11-12T00:23:00.000-05:002010-11-12T00:23:22.935-05:00Everyone Deserves Friends Like Mine.Like i said. Everyone deserves friends like mine.<br />
<br />
that's all.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Today was fairly productive. This weekend, however, shall be forevermore known as an episode on "Welcome to Ft. Roberts."<br />
...I came home from work on Saturday night to have Ehlias try to "pillow surf" in the hallway. He ended up almost biting through his lower lip. Lots of blood. He's alright now, but yeeeesh I hadn't realized there was THAT much blood in a lip! After that escapade, mom went to bed, and I stayed up and washed the dogs. Gidg had gotten sick and they alllll needed baths. Then, later, I went to church. And broke my big toe. And of course, this all happened while dad was out of town for work.<br />
<br />
Today, was a little better. #1: Mom let me sleep for a long time today. :)<br />
#2 I'm pretty certaint that I aced my interview at Jimmy John's.<br />
#3, I'm going to work tomorrow, and Jackies' party tomorrow after work:)<br />
#4 I got to go out w/ Mayyya.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-45274900153619942352010-08-26T23:32:00.000-04:002010-08-26T23:32:24.863-04:00How many adults does it take to outsmart a pop machine? Just sayin', my job is turning out to be SO MUCH FUNNN!<br />
<br />
:D<br />
<br />
At the beginning of training, it seemed to just drag; now, it's flying by! I'm learning SO much, getting to know people so much better, and laughing so much! Tonight, for example: I was falling asleep during the first part of the class, so at our first break, I was going to get a Monster energy drink from the pop machine in the break room. Beau walked over with me, and Ericka was in there when we got there. She was standing there staring angrily at the pop machine, and we asked what had happened. She explained that it took her dollar and she wanted her money back...then we all thought, "Hey! Well, all three of us are getting something, how about one of us goes ahead and then we'll get her dollar back as change! Yeah! That'll work!!" So, I put my dollar and quarter in, and pressed the button for the Monster drinks. I got it, and got a quarter back for my change. I hadn't realised that Monster's were two dollars. So then, Beau was going to get something to get Ericka's change back, and that didn't work. So, then, a woman who was sitting there at a table behind us gave Ericka some change. But that still didn't mean Beau could get what he was going to. So he and I went back to the training room and I gave him all the change I had. Which turned out to not be enough. Then, a woman who's in training with us asked him how much he needed...all he needed was a quarter...she gave it to him, and everything was resolved. But it literally took FIVE adults to outsmart the freaking pop machine! AGHHH! Needless to say, it made me laugh. A lot. :)<br />
...it's things like that, that make me love my job so much. Even though, technically, I've only worked there for three days. And that's only training so far. Anyways. Another reason: Beau. He and I are besties, and working with him is just the most fun thing. :) I think the people who work there are just so awesome. Everyone seems to like working there, and they all seem to get along really well!<br />
I've set a major goal for myself, since last night. It was triggered by a few things...<br />
....I've decided to quit smoking. Cold turkey, I'm finished. I have no more cigarettes, and don't plan on buying any more. I think the first time I thought about quitting was two days ago, at work, when we went on break and I immediately reached for them. The thought flashed through my head that it was unusual for me to go for them w/out thinking about it. I passed it off, grabbed them, and went outside and lit up. It then hit me, yesterday, that a major source of recreation for me is smoking. While I still want to do it, it's kind of gross to me now...thinking about Special Blends gives me a headache...which it has NEVER done before...I had kind of thought that after I finished this pack, I wasn't going to buy any more, and see if I could handle it. Mom and dad beat me to it though. I guess they found empty packs in my trash. And they called me on it last night. So, it all came to a big confrontation, and I'm done. I'll probably end up smoking cigars with friends once in a while, but definitely not as a regular thing.<br />
...I've got this job, now I need to keep my act together. Plus, I was spending alot of money on cigarettes...which I could've been saving. It's a stupid thing to waste money on, because, not only does it hurt you, gradually, albeit, but it also takes money in small increments that you don't really miss. It's a dangerous habit, for more reasons than the obvious. I need to turn some things in my life around: this is just the first step in the process.<br />
...Anyways. I figured it'd be easier to totally quit, now that it's public, on the internet, where I can never get it back. Pretty good motivation, I think.<br />
Hmm.......anyhow.....I think that's basically all I have to talk about right now...I've got to go practice the script for tomorrow...we were told that we're going to be on the phone's by tomorrow night! AGH! Prayers would be great! :) ...I'm going to try to keep this a little more updated that I had been. Starting some things off differently in my life. :)Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-59173954429150948642010-08-25T10:42:00.000-04:002010-08-25T10:42:24.012-04:00"Cookies and Juice"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'MS Shell Dlg';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Cookies and juice....</span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> ....the start to every college kids' day. Ooohhhkayyyy...so, it may not be the best food, but it's quick, convenient, and easy. (Kind of like a streetwalker...and they're both bad for you....so what's that tell 'ya....) LOL. :p</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> I'm not a college student, persay, but I do fall into that category..sort of. I realised when I got home from training for Incept last night, that I haven't eaten "real food" in about 4 days now...I've had an assortment of: strawberries, string cheese, yogurt, grilled cheese, starbucks, orange juice, potato chips, a hard boiled pickled egg, chocolate chip cookies, and Pall Malls. Needless to say, I haven't been eating well. I'm going to need to fix that. Soooooon. lol. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> So. I said I don't fall into the college student category exactly...well, I'm not attending college, BUT! I may be getting into classes to be a Nurses' Aide...and if that happens, I will have the same kind of schedule as a college student. (just without the partying..I won't have time!) </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> ...my schedule will look something like this: get up and be in Sebring at the nursing home for classes by 7 every morning. Then at 3 pm, when those classes end, I'll have to drive straight from Sebring to Canton, and go to work at Incept from 5-9:45 Tue-Fri. And then all day Saturday. So, it'll be fun. People keep telling me that I'm going to burn out, but I think, honestly, I'll be able to handle it. I'm capable, and willing to work my butt off, so that helps. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> I started training for Incept last night...well, yesterday, rather. While it wasn't "fun," it wasn't something that I'm dreading going back to. There are 10 people in this class, and I think we'll all do well. There's alot to learn, but there's also alot that I already knew...as far as that there are different kinds of blood donations...it made me feel really cool that I knew that. (Although it may just be because out of everyone, I've been in high school the most recently, and therefore am more familiar with biology...whatever though). </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> I've got to write a paragraph on my motivation for working at Incept....I'm not sure what angle I'm going to come from on that just yet...I'm looking forward to writing it though....I miss writing...hence I have a blog. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Ohh....yesterday, I had my interview at Copeland Oaks for the nurses aide program...I think it went well. I have to call them in about an hour and tell them that I will be able to make the clinical day for training...I'm so glad I can work out my schedule! I'm praying that I get into the training...it'd definitely give me a step-up if/when I attempt to get my LPN, or RN...</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> .......Lately, I've been seeing, very clearly, how God is working in my life. During the summer, I was stressing out because I didn't have any plans for this year...I had no job, and I basically had no idea <b>what</b> I was going to do. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I prayed, and filled out alot of applications. And none of them went, or got me, anywhere. I was scared. I was depressed. I was frustrated. I was trying, and failing. And I knew I was disappointing people, and was seen as having no ambition. I was mad. And I wanted to quit trying a few times. It was <b>not</b> a good time. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> After coming through it all, and being on the other side, I can see that it was a trust thing. A faith thing. And I somewhat failed, in that I wasn't always trusting of God to take me where He wanted me to be. I'm upset with myself, knowing that all along, I KNEW God was going to take care of me...I should've trusted Him more. At least now I know. It's been proven to me more than once, and I'm going to let GOD do what He's gonna do in my life. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Ohhhkay. Now that I've written the "heavy stuff"...time for my most recent "FML." </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> ....Last night after training, Beau and I went to Starbucks. When I was waiting for my coffee, the barista, (who happened to be about 6'5, ripped as heck, and gorgeous) started asking me what we were doing out and about...I told him about the job training, then we started talking about work in general. I found out he's an RN at Aultman, and we seemed to really hit it off in the 5 minutes we talked. We said goodbye, and Beau and I went outside and sat down. I kicked off my shoes, and was about to smash on my fave coffee-a white chocolate iced latte...when i realised my straw had a hole in it. Beau went back inside to get me a new one, and in doing so, asked the barista for his numer....for me. The barista, I guess, told him: "DUDE! I'm married!" Sooooo.....FAIL. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And I can no longer go to that Starbucks after work. FML. ......something like that WOULD happen to me. Ya know???? Allllways. Whatever. That's just Bubbles for you. XD </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">......Sooooo....I think I'm going to do the homework for the training class, and get my stuff together...cause then i have to shower and get ready and then leave for Canton...I'm meeting Beau and Donna at Panera for a bit, then going over to Starbucks and reading a book about nursing I grabbed from the library the other night....I'm just going to chill till I have to be at Incept. It'll be a good time. :) </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> so, i guess this is goodbye...for nooowwww, anyways. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> ...in the words of the people from my homeland: </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; color: #333399; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; font-size: small;"> </span></span><strong> Mahalo E Ke Akua No Keia La</strong></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; color: #333399; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Helvetica;"> </span></div>Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-12043394281764240752010-08-23T22:25:00.000-04:002010-08-23T22:25:20.640-04:00Bubbles Is an Adult! :DSooo...here I am, with my life finally going somewhere.<br />
Lord, you have been good. :) Great, actually...<br />
<br />
Just a quick update: I have a job!<br />
....Starting tomorrow, I am a "Conversational Marketing Expert" for Incept....more on that later.<br />
I am sooo super excited! I also have an interview at a nursing home about 15 minutes from my house..I'd like to become a nurses aide, and they're offering classes....also, after the classes, they'll be hiring some of the people they graduate from the classes...I'm praying that i can get a job there. After that, I'd like to get my LPN, and later on, my RN. So, right now, life is going places. :) As I said before..God is good. :)Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-64218322916409488152010-08-13T17:45:00.000-04:002010-08-13T17:45:24.237-04:00holding on for dear life...and smiling the whole time.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVxVCKwSjmtJ9WDLRRHCxmamSnu4M0Qx1MFD7gptT_q96XqMXKboay9bw2VzPMENUKbJ_OQWVkn-W327Fjl1sSJPX6Fq1eCtLlfth0oi50N13rNm3pRUF0CQhixXsMNIlA8p2AtSHP4jgp/s1600/41181_454810471158_662381158_6353965_1662329_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVxVCKwSjmtJ9WDLRRHCxmamSnu4M0Qx1MFD7gptT_q96XqMXKboay9bw2VzPMENUKbJ_OQWVkn-W327Fjl1sSJPX6Fq1eCtLlfth0oi50N13rNm3pRUF0CQhixXsMNIlA8p2AtSHP4jgp/s320/41181_454810471158_662381158_6353965_1662329_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
......this picture...<br />
<br />
.............explains me.<br />
<br />
<br />
My life, as of late, can best be explained as:<br />
crazy.<br />
insane.<br />
random.<br />
awesome.<br />
<br />
I'm not exaggerating. Soooo many things have happened....some good, some bad. Mostly, unchangeable.<br />
...I think what I want to say is, I wouldn't change one little thing about my life right now.<br />
I'm finally at a place in life where I don't hate anything that's going on, or anything that I have to do, or anyone I have to be around. (I think that might be called maturity. Not sure, but I think so.)<br />
<br />
I have acted as a rebel....i have tried to outsmart the labels people have placed on me. I have hidden things from my parents. I have snuck out. I have partied with my best friends. I have been a vandal. I have dyed, and pierced. I have smoked. I have run from the cops. I have had the best times of my life.<br />
<br />
ILY.<br />
<br />
I love music, photography, emo glasses, purple hair, body piercings, and my life.<br />
<br />
..I know I'm being suuuuper random. But I can't help it. I can't focus on just one thing right now. I'm too ADD for that...<br />
<br />
So. Since I've last posted on this: I dyed my hair purple and pink. I got my belly button pierced. I TP'd a jerk's house with my two besties. I led a preschool VBS group. I was a co-counselor for a day camp. I went to Cedar Point and rode almost every coaster. I rode Top Thrill Dragster in the very front seat, and screamed the whole way and loved it. I got insurance, and am now allowed to drive by myself. I was given my dad's truck to drive. I've been asked out by three short, creepy guys. I have also been asked out by a tall, handsome football player whom I've never met. (my money's on him). . . we'll start hanging out and going to bonfires and such, and we'll see where it all goes. I had my graduation party, and received money, tons of hugs, and "knowledge baby cigars." I went to a rock show and hung out with the band. I went on a bigfoot hike through the nature center in the dark and scared chickens and left random voicemails for my friends' ex boyfriends dad. I went to Sheetz late at night and had a cat follow my friend home. The cat was then named "Boomer", and taken to another friends' house. I watched a hot air balloon fly over my head and land....I fiiiinally got to eat my shave ice..... :) I had a picnik at an old insane asylum with one of my best friends. I reconnected with an old friend and we got lost in the boonies with two drunk guys hitting on us. I had a paint fight with our worship leader. I abandoned my dreams of traveling and photography, for nursing, and, later, political science. I made out with a random guy who I'd not met before, nor have seen since. I decided that I like me the way I am, and that I don't want to change anything. I am happy with my life, and that's how I like it. More later. :)Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-1369695471817199032010-06-02T01:07:00.000-04:002010-06-02T01:07:29.980-04:00...did i pray for patience?Dear God,<br />
.....Hey. it's me. Uhmmm, I don't remember praying for patience. Maybe that was someone else, and you just got the messages mixed up? ....Well, okay. I know that doesn't happen, but maybe you thought I said I wanted patience.....I can't remember ever praying for that, to be honest.<br />
.....there is SO much in my life that makes NO sense right now.<br />
<br />
...........there is only one thing I can do at this point...pray.<br />
<br />
God, what have I done that I need to go through this and be so frustrated and sad and confused and just altogether miserable?<br />
......I'm not suffering, per-say, but You could give me just a <b>little</b> idea of what I should be doing.<br />
<br />
#1. I need a job. I've put in applications to many places around my town....and I can't seem to get through anywhere.<br />
#2. I need to figure out what I'm to be doing with my life this next year. College? Working at the Statehouse? Just working?<br />
#3. I need to figure out, with Your help, what I'm supposed to do with relationships right now. ......Do we keep being friends? ...do we stop talking altogether? ....do we give courtship another try? ...where is the limit? ...God, what do you want us doing? Why can't we <b>just</b> be friends? ....I feel like it's <b>my</b> fault he tells me we can't be hanging out so much.<br />
..What am I supposed to think when I get a message from him saying that I have "an addictive personality," and that "he's getting too attached to me," and that "he can't let that happen right now..."<br />
....what am I supposed to do when he say's we can't be hanging out so much? ...have <b>I</b> done something wrong? ....but if I haven't, then what has happened to us???<br />
<br />
God, I want so much to do Your will. I just need some sense of direction? ....Praying for patience is not something I remember doing.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-87806992151906856412010-05-22T00:42:00.000-04:002010-05-22T00:42:09.372-04:00all the scars and boulevards.......So. I suppose I ought to write something. It's def. been awhile...<br />
So, first off. I am graduating in a month! Yayness! :D<br />
Second. . . I neeeeed a job. Like, money for college...money for a car, and money for a life.<br />
Thirdly, I just "liked" "Not being a midget" on FaceBook. :D<br />
Fourthly, .................idfk!!!!<br />
<br />
So, I'm in a bit of a quandary. ...See, I've got this dilemma...of sorts....see, I, over a year ago, let go of something that I now want back....being more mature, and seeing the entire scheme of things....hmmm....<br />
Ok. So, I totally dropped/let go of this, b/c it wasn't what I thought I wanted.....now, seeing how wrong I was, I want it back. . . . I've been there, done that, made all of the bad decisions, and now I want the very thing that I got rid of. :( <br />
I have NO idea what to do about this......I want to say something about this to this certain someone, but I'm really afraid of being rejected. I talked to this person, and I though that perhaps they may be leaning toward the same thing I'm thinking....but then, they hinted at something related to, but opposite what I was going to bring up. Hence, my confusion...and frustration....and just altogether miserableness. I have no idea what I should do at this point. Do I bring up what I want to say, and risk rejection and messing things up? Or do I just not say anything? ....urghhh!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
On another subject. I've recently fallen back into the old "emo" mentality....sort of.<br />
In 8th grade, I started cutting....<br />
It didn't seem like it was all that bad to me then....<br />
I thought that since it wasn't illegal, and didn't involve narcotics, it was alright.<br />
But I was sick. Very sick. My parents thought then, and still do, that it was/is just a phase, and that I'll grow out of it....I beg to differ.<br />
There's a song by the band "Skillet" .....it speaks of this very thing....<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI&feature=PlayList&p=02BCC0CC44172894&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=20">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI&feature=PlayList&p=02BCC0CC44172894&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=20</a><br />
This song is about a girl who is considering suicide....and a conversation she has......<br />
it means so much to me. ...this song...no, this BAND defines me. . . . this song in particular though....I know what it's like to have parents tell you that it's the coward's way out...that what you're doing is just for attention...that you're lame for hurting yourself....and finally, that it's just a phase...that you'll grow out of it.<br />
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I've BEEN THERE! I know what it's like to be holding a knife or razor blade above your arm, crying...thinking about how good this would feel, but knowing that you don't REALLY want to hurt yourself... I know how it feels in the process, of the lightheadedness...the elation that comes from the control of the situation...I have been there. I thought I had gotten away from it....I wish I could say that I really finally had. I wish to God and beyond that I could say that.<br />
<br />
But I can't.<br />
<br />
I've slowly moved back toward that.......<br />
<br />
It's come to fruition in the past few weeks.....I have come to a point where, just being alone and finding a knife is what gets me to wanting to cut. I don't have to be "down" or depressed anymore.....just the sight of a knife; of a blade....the thought of dragging the sharp edge against my skin makes me want to cut....and I usually follow through on that. I hate it.<br />
<br />
I'm working...struggling against this.....I pray that soon, I will find something that replaces this wanting in me....the want to hurt and be in control. I pray, pray PRAY I figure out what to do in lieu of it.....<br />
<br />
In the meantime....I'll continue wearing long sleeves and praying no one thinks less of me for it.<br />
<br />
In summary......<br />
<br />
I'm so ADD...but I needed to write this. I'm not entirely sure why, but I just did. Anyways.<br />
I guess I'll remain confused about the situation I've encountered in my life....maybe I'm supposed to sit back and not say anything.....Maybe God has something in mind for me that I have NO idea about...something that will make me, later in life, realize how happy I am I didn't say anything....<br />
<br />
..........................................In any case, I'm done for now.<br />
<br />
ciao.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-77691547422110571042010-05-14T16:10:00.001-04:002010-05-14T16:10:33.514-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoLeBCh8-M9DNIUOj9VEn9zk2MDmM8-FOlSl8nR_suO8sKTKg5wEsn7gvLNfaY21zi1iPH2saUmctmqGVdJcIjbFDaJCCFDxX688DnzQ2z0jf0xRZRrEb0rgt4PYJOXl951bCFwDKHMeMx/s1600/29476_416805321158_662381158_5332100_4237205_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoLeBCh8-M9DNIUOj9VEn9zk2MDmM8-FOlSl8nR_suO8sKTKg5wEsn7gvLNfaY21zi1iPH2saUmctmqGVdJcIjbFDaJCCFDxX688DnzQ2z0jf0xRZRrEb0rgt4PYJOXl951bCFwDKHMeMx/s400/29476_416805321158_662381158_5332100_4237205_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div> this screams "peace" to me....I just wanted to share it....Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-88009045347983071362010-05-14T16:09:00.000-04:002010-05-14T16:09:24.161-04:00thoughts and hopes and aspirations and Freddy Kreuger. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOHKkSXluWN8zkzRlQZ988vLITQyTc6UvgZqAD4bZ2xizZJJ7rh9fgRZMlmp39UhdvMigb-YYW5ob3Q4ogIeQXDFU-gPAMvyij57IfU6WPiGrH9A3cqwKe8h4Qc6gcesLrm9KckxFKIbaN/s1600/1111.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOHKkSXluWN8zkzRlQZ988vLITQyTc6UvgZqAD4bZ2xizZJJ7rh9fgRZMlmp39UhdvMigb-YYW5ob3Q4ogIeQXDFU-gPAMvyij57IfU6WPiGrH9A3cqwKe8h4Qc6gcesLrm9KckxFKIbaN/s320/1111.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
So.....I've had alot of time to think...pray...dream. (in fact, I've had alot of dreams...the latest installement being: Freddy Kreuger playing the guy from SAW...he plucked out my right eyeball, while wearing a hockey mask.)<br />
Wow. yup. I'm not on anything. I swear! ....I've just got ALOT on my mind...<br />
Have you ever come to a point in life where you looked back at the last 18 months or so, and wondered who the heck had possessed your body and made all those bad decisions???<br />
Yeahhh....that's me right now. I'm reading my journal entries from last year...thinking, "JEEEZ! Was I out of my freakin' mind???"<br />
I gave up some great people....and gravitated toward those who meant me nothing but harm. If I could go back to where I stood with me, and with God when i was beginning my junior year.....oh wow what I would give to do that!<br />
See, I know that we all have to make some mistakes, in order to appreciate what we have....in order to want to stay close to God and be in His arms at all times....I just wish the things i did weren't as extreme as they were...<br />
In looking back at my life, I've wanted to, not just crawl back up, but leap! ...FLY even! back to God and His protectiveness...<br />
<br />
I miss Him.Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4467793977796221339.post-35862842707224601582010-04-30T14:00:00.000-04:002010-04-30T14:00:29.492-04:00confuzzled and backpacking through IrelandSo, I've been in SoCal since last Friday. We're leaving tonight to head back home, and I have to say, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've had a great time here, spending time with family, getting to suntan, and just sightseeing. I do miss being home, obv., considering that I've only spent roughly 8 hours home in the past 2 weeks... Anyways. Cali has been fun; I'm so glad I got to come! ...We spent 2 days at my aunt and uncles timeshare in Palm Springs...that was really fun.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoCF8tfxiK1Bz4Mo7MHKyXkv5SUEbrek1J71Wkc3mCrz3fOVI2s3IBTEAbWAUQiutLkZu0_Iycwrm4iowmXuf3FjhxlARsiWAu1OSKSOkemPHF7fEWKuSlqUfW-AMSXVl-lc4iMwq-cIW-/s1600/P4276098.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoCF8tfxiK1Bz4Mo7MHKyXkv5SUEbrek1J71Wkc3mCrz3fOVI2s3IBTEAbWAUQiutLkZu0_Iycwrm4iowmXuf3FjhxlARsiWAu1OSKSOkemPHF7fEWKuSlqUfW-AMSXVl-lc4iMwq-cIW-/s320/P4276098.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The second night we were there, there was an amazing sunset over the mountains...I ran outside with my camera and jumped onto the golf course and took tons of pictures...I think this is one of the best... :)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV1fwl29FlGJRcfFiKydeFNTU7STBKLvvF7XrmN4fwjVzLe9iGwCO153eX98UVTvn0r4CWWZUBnr3zF9ynK0eLIyTIIIP9IfyZfgahM4maB68Vc4y7dmpYx_UbrCmoxSRo7bf8gxepoYOs/s1600/P4286110.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV1fwl29FlGJRcfFiKydeFNTU7STBKLvvF7XrmN4fwjVzLe9iGwCO153eX98UVTvn0r4CWWZUBnr3zF9ynK0eLIyTIIIP9IfyZfgahM4maB68Vc4y7dmpYx_UbrCmoxSRo7bf8gxepoYOs/s320/P4286110.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This was the view from the lanai at the timeshare we stayed in. It was so great...we had the pool, the hot tub, and a lazy river all close by...I was out in the sun almost all day! <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQNaidAtp9wbr-ndhbB_PASwQQwTES_nNvnVn8szNkiiSWUtmTnxQBrZ4amBcbGSVBYpwuPfGm2du8ZUq4VnKjTe5ltYgXZHZKmsaDyR6JG5v42xJFYq4RmnAlxGycmlTfmNbn5fmKAqmd/s1600/P4296195.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQNaidAtp9wbr-ndhbB_PASwQQwTES_nNvnVn8szNkiiSWUtmTnxQBrZ4amBcbGSVBYpwuPfGm2du8ZUq4VnKjTe5ltYgXZHZKmsaDyR6JG5v42xJFYq4RmnAlxGycmlTfmNbn5fmKAqmd/s320/P4296195.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">...Most people probably don't know what this is. This is from the "Dr. Bronners" soap plant in (vista?..I'm not positive) Cali. We use the Dr. Bronner's soap at home, so it was really neat to see the factory. We even got to meet Mrs. Bronner, the daughter in law. She was really nice and gave us a tour of the whole facility. Later last night, we went to P.F. Chang's for dinner...I had jasmine blackberry green tea, spring rolls, clam dumplings, garlic snap peas, and Dan Dan noodles. It was so much food, and it all tasted SO good! I was stuffed! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">...I don't have time to say anything else right now..I've got to pack, and then we're going out again. Once I get back home and have all my things in order, I'll have to write a much fuller, in-depth blog. But for now, <3 & all...</div>Kittrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14363940787352904408noreply@blogger.com0