Turnabout

After the awful horrible night/yesterday, I felt that it would take a miracle to "fix me."
   
     Well, this morning, after waking up to my eyes swollen shut from crying, I got myself together, and went to church with my family. That was the best decision I'd made in a while. Throughout the services, EVERYTHING spoke to me. Then tonight, I went to church with my literal best friend in the entire world. Yet another good decision. This afternoon, I got a phone call from Kohl's, offering me a job on their replenishment team. While not exactly the job description I was hoping for, it's a job, a paycheck, and a direction.
     I also was able to talk to the person I blew up at last night and APOLOGIZE. And I am so glad that I was given the opportunity to do so; he means the absolute world to me and I never want to lose him. Things are back to "normal" with us. Thank God.
     I can't express just how thankful I am right now to just look at the transformation that has happened within 24 hours. I would have never expected it...just goes to prove you can never underestimate GOD.

Solitude.

Crying, listening to everything in my itunes library that has a "down" feeling to it.


This is how I'm spending my Saturday night.




   I'm lonely. I'm such a social person, and I feel trapped. I'm starting to freak out; today was the worst day I've had in a while. I'm home. Constantly. I've been turned down for every job I've applied to. I'm so discouraged. So let down. So frustrated. I feel so alone.
   My mom got on my case because I'm "not trying hard enough." I apologized; I've been trying. I am just in such mental turmoil 24/7. I'm hardly sleeping; when I do, I wake up from nightmares shaking, sweating, feeling like I've just barely escaped something horrible. This morning I woke up after about 5 hours of sleep, waking from a bad dream that ended with my attempting to save someone who was being attacked by someone with a knife; I woke up and sat straight up and had to check to make sure I had all my fingers-it all felt SO real. I was shaking. I couldn't fall asleep again. I was scared to try. I was and AM so tired.
    I don't know what to do. My parents told me I'd see a counselor-nothing has happened in that direction at this point. I'm so...i don't know what to do. I've wanted to cut-I scratched my arm yesterday. I felt so ashamed. It'd been about a month since I'd last done that. I so badly want to be past that. It makes me feel so helpless. It makes me feel small. I lose hope every time i reach for something sharp. But yet I still do it.
    Where do I go from here?

     I see no direction. I'm so afraid of being "stuck." That's how I feel that I'll end up. Stuck. At this point, with no job; no money; no opportunity to see anyone....I'm slowly shutting down. I can physically feel it. I never wanted to feel this again. But yet it's there. I don't know how to escape the feeling. I've been going to church; I've been reading my Bible. I've been doing devotions. I've been praying. Why do I still feel this way? Why do I feel like nothing has changed? I'm TRYING.
     I miss people. PEOPLE in general. It's been a month since I've moved back home; I feel isolated. I was invited to hang out with friends tonight but my mom refused to "let me go" (being that I'm an adult of 21, I am allowed to come and go depending on the situation/company, however I know if I just do what I want, things will not be good between my mom and I. Hence the limitations/boundaries.) I am doing my best to honor her and my dad's wishes...trying to help out around the house, with my brothers, and do what they ask of me, when they ask it. If they say I'm not allowed going somewhere, I respect that. I've been invited different times to go do something, but they have said no...so I've said no. It's so hard for me. I'm such a social person; it's hurting me to stay so by myself. It physically HURTS. It's affecting me negatively, mentally. I'm starting to shut down. That dark feeling is creeping back over me. And I don't have any idea how to push it back.
    I feel let down. The one person who I've gone to see lately has promised me things; such as gas money for when I did go see them, and/or to come pick me up to hang out. Neither has happened...plans keep being made, then broken. And I am just so ready at this point to say forget it..I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I'm tired of it. So tired. Tomorrow, they're supposed to come pick me up so we can hang out and then go to church together in the evening. I am SO not getting my hopes up. I've done that too many times. So, it's truly "whatever."
    I feel like I'm being a whiny child with all this. I just had to say all these things that are stuck in my mind. I just simply didn't know what else to do. I can't talk to my mom about this b/c she's a part of what I'm frustrated with/about. I haven't been around anyone else to talk to. So this is my outlet. This is the one place I can say all this without worrying about retribution. And as much as that saddens me, I'll accept it.

Sweetest Day? Nah. Just a reminder of heartache.

Sweetest Day. Fuck that. A Hallmark Holiday if ever there was one. Couples who truly love each other will show the kind of affection that this day brings, all year long. They won't need ANOTHER specialized day to show it. I mean, birthdays, Valentines (which I wholeheartedly believe in) and, of course, Christmas, are already available. Why ANOTHER occasion for presents? Jeez.

Ok. So maybe I'm a bit jaded. Well, no. I am. Recently I've looked back at all my relationships (with guys), and all but one has been a huge mistake. I've been hurt by men(guys)/boys too much for me to have a healthy relationship with most. I've been told to my face by all but one former boyfriend, that their entire intent and purpose in dating me was to get me in bed, and show me off to their friends. So, yeah. Maybe I am bitter. But I feel like I have reason to be. I've been hurt sexually, mentally, and emotionally too damn much to not broadcast my negativity outwardly.

I'm waiting...every single day...for that guy to show up in my life. To show me, and make known that he wants nothing more in life than to protect me and love me and value me. To this point, I've not had that. The deepest desire in my heart is to find the right guy, eventually get married, and start a family of my own. But I'm to the point of losing hope. I know I'm only 21...that I have the rest of my life to figure this out. I don't want to wait though. I don't. I feel like, at this point, with literally NO options, I'm never going to get there. Ever. And that thought hurts me, and scares me. I try to not think about it, much less TALK about it. Today though, I can't help but let my mind go there.

One day, I'll probably look back on my words surrounding this issue, and laugh. Maybe it'll be while I'm planning my wedding; maybe it'll be holding my first child. Maybe I won't read these later in life. Who knows. I feel like I'm just being silly right now...but I don't care. I have these feelings that are stored up inside me and I'm tired of not thinking about them.

I wish today was different. I wish I was different. I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I wasn't bitter. I wish I had somebody.

Here I am again. Sitting on the floor in my room at my parent's house, crying. Mom and I just got into it over curtains. She doesn't want me to put mine up cause according to her, they don't look nice. During our discussion, she made it clear that she doesn't want me here. If she would have told me that earlier, before I moved back in, I'd have appreciated it. I truthfully don't know what the hell to do. I just don't. I'm stuck. I though I was gonna make it. I had an awesome place on my own, a job that pretty much paid the bills; even with all that I wanted to harm myself-daily I struggled with the urge to just leave. I researched running away, and suicide. Because I stuck with it, I thought I was strong. But I couldn't make it. I quit my job. I moved back home. I failed. And it hurts so much knowing I'm back to square one. No advancement. I've just disappointed EVERYONE. Including me. I hate that I couldn't do it. I tried so hard. SO hard. I' still stuck with the 13 year old me who hid and cut herself. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I can't get away from her. She follows me. Wherever I go and whatever I do. And it sucks. SO much. I feel like I'm never going to get ahead. I'm stuck between failure and fuckup. And I don't know how to fix this. I put so much work into having a nice place to live, and it's GONE. I'm now living with my parents, knowing they don't want me here. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't know how to fix this. I'm at the point of giving up again. To be three years an adult and still HERE- I just can't deal with it. I hate knowing I disappointed my parents. I hate knowing I failed. I hate being alone. ALL I want from life is to find someone & have kids. I want to be a mom. So bad. And I'm watching friends of mine unintentionally have kids, and not want them like I do. And that hurts me. I feel like a kid would be something i COULD do right. And I know i have to change a lot about me before it'd be fair to bring someone else into the world...I'm just so sick and tired of being a failure. I wish I could erase the last three years and just do everything over. I just don't know what else to do.

"Runs In The Family"

"I mean well, I'm well, well, I mean, I'm in Hell
Well, I still have my health, at least that's what they tell me
If wellness is this what in HELL'S NAME IS SICKNESS??"

I don't even know where I'm starting this off. It's been SO long since I've been in the mood to write. I'm finally starting to focus on where I need to be-getting my brain back on the right track. I've spent so much of the past year or so partying; not caring what I'm doing or where I'm going with my life. I regret it. I'm realizing now that all I really want to do, is sell most of my stuff, and move back into my parent's house. I miss being with them, and my brothers...I miss having a church family to keep me accountable, and seeing my mom and dad and everyone. I feel like I'm living on the outside of some picture, and I can't break into the foreground...I'm just allowed looking in from everyone else's point of view. I already know I'm not headed in a great direction. I want to be able to work, and save as much money as possible, and go to school, and get a better vehicle, and stay away from the drugs that I was so deeply into so very recently. I'm finally clean, and I want more than anything to stay that way. I LOVE having my own place, but I won't move forward with how my life is going. It just won't. I want to keep my own apartment, but I don't know if that's the best idea for me. Mentally, I think it'd be for the best if I moved back into my parent's house. I'm back to hurting myself, and I KNOW i can't be doing that. I don't WANT to! But I still do it. And the thing of it is, I'm not consciously doing it. I "black out" and cut, then "come back" mentally, and it's done. And then I'm bleeding, and I'm even more depressed than before, and it's just a never ending cycle of mess and hurt and anger. I don't want to live like that. It's not an environment I can flourish in. And it never will be. Until I get my mind better, everything will be a mess. It's been like that for far too long. With wanting to move back to my parent's house, I'm looking at it with more maturity-I want to move back to save money, and better myself-not just struggle like I currently am. I was able to talk to a few fairly wise people earlier this evening, and I guess I'm not doing all that badly for being 20 years old. I have my own apartment, (and it's nice), I own my car, I have a full time job/career (even if I don't want to be there).....I'm really doing well for myself with my age and in my peer group. But I don't feel that way. I'm just....I've been able to go so far at this point, but it doesn't feel like it's worth anything. I don't want to give up my place, and my "stuff" buuuut, I could be doing SO much more with my life if only I could save my money and go to school. I just don't know what to do right now....

jesse.

To Jesse.