screaming at myself in the mirror...

soooo i woke up today thinking it was gonna be an awesome day. really did. got to spend some serious time with someone i was missing like craaaazy. my plans? celebrating my bffs birthday, going out for wings, shopping, and more time with previously mentioned someone. it was going good till i found this:

.....and this:

...and this:

.....fun times. cops were called and all that good shit. talked to my insurance, and found out they won't pay a thing with this. sooo im paying you to do nothing. fuck that shit.

......im just so frustrated.

now my plans for the day? go put duct tape and garbage bags on my car. pick up broken glass. scream a little more. fun times.

learned something lately-TRUST.

...ive never been one to let myself go-to just put all i have into someone else. to let my future be in their hands.
.........frankly, though, it's the only way to go.

I went through so much. stress, depression, etc. i couldn't see the proverbial "light" everyone is supposed to be looking for. i don't think i even cared to look for it. i had just given up.

TRUST.

i have given it ALL to the One who can handle it...and it's been handled, and is better than i could have ever imagined.

ive been angry..and now, everything seems to be okay. i had lost my job, and now have 2.
i was lonely, and have realised im surrounded by wonderful, amazing friends. i was tired, and now im awake and refreshed. everything is good again.

....there are still things that worry me...PCS, one of my oldest and best friends' life choices........
.......and all i can do at this point is pray for those situations-cause, in one, we've fought and fought and fought and there's nothing else to do but pray. Of course, prayer ought to be the first thing one turns to, but so often, it's the last. that was true in my case.

im just done fighting, and pushing away. i know ill still end up getting hurt, and hurting people, but im gonna get through it, and only by the grace of God.

...hanging my head. always just one step behind never able to catch up.

....my life. it seems like it's just one fuckup after another. family is fighting. drama drama drama.

      .....ive been through SO much shit. im fed up and done with it.

i want someone to hold me. i want someone to talk to, and someone who's shoulder i'll have to cry on.



im sick of wanting to hurt myself because of other people.





i thought my life was gonna be good. i was moving out, had a well-paying job, and i was gonna be happy. now...i don't know what to think.

i found out people weren't who i thought they were.
i was jerked around and lied to.
i was played.
i was harassed.
i was sent reeling and i was fucked over.

and looking back on it all, im done.

i've built up walls and there are reasons.
....do you not see that what you've done and what you've told me have caused me to lose trust?

what are you gonna do to bring me back around?
...cause i can pretty much guarantee it's not gonna work.

i'm struggling. i'm working my ass off to make my life work. and i guess i've learned that in order to make it work, i can't rely on anyone but myself. so fuck this.

//rant.

" A New Year, a New...You? " ...and other Elephants in the room.

A-hem. Alright then. All eyes forward. Yes, that's right. It's officially a New Year. And what have I managed to accomplish in the past 365 days? Not much worthwhile. Striving to make 2011 a better year-one with less brazenness; less holding back? Mhm...that's what I'm leaning towards. 


Enough with the melodrama. 


AGH! I'M ALMOST 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


can you believe it???
I can't. I'm absolutely shocked by this realization. Totally and Utterly shocked. 


Annnnd scene. I'm tired. I started this, and i guess it shall have to be a work-in-progress. 

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things...

*Babies: the sweet, clean way they smell, the way they look when they're asleep, they way they giggle.
*Caramel Macchiatos: to be enjoyed in an overstuffed leather chair, with a side of Snow Patrol, or The Smiths, and a good, musty smelling book.
*Hoodies: they remind me of bonfires, football games, and wet tennis shoes.
*Music. enough said.
*Cameras: the way i can get lost in the ideas i get while walking around looking at things.
*Soccer: it's exercise that i actually LIKE. :)
*Curios George: something about the innocence of that monkey just gets me.
*Books: i get lost. in the best ways.
*Edgar Allen Poe: yeah, he was crazy, and into drugs, and yes, he married his cousin, but that was the norm back then...he was genius.

The Smiths and all things Inky.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRtW1MAZ32M

"And if a double decker bus crashes into us, tonight by your side is such a Heavenly way to die."

Yes. I am a sucker for old(er) music. :) I'm a nerd, and I'm not afraid to flaunt that.

Ok. So. I've been at my job for about 2 and a half months. So far, i like it. A lot.
I'm good at what I do, and I've made a lot of new friends. I can get as many hours in as i want to-i could work a 12 hour day if I so desired-which I DON'T, but if I wanted to, I could. It's tiring, and sometimes I start to crack, but most of the time, it's good. :)

I'm on a campaign to stop smoking. Cigarettes contain arsenic, cyanide, carpet glue, and now, whale barf. Whyyyy do i like them exactly? yuuuck.

Annnnnnd I digress.

I started this post a few days ago. And now I have new stuff to talk about. Whether or not anyone chooses to listen, that's up to them.

I've met someone. For now, just a friend. Who knows...it might go further, it might not. Either way, I found a new friend with similar interests. :) And I'm stealing something from him-cause I'm horribly envious and wish I could freestyle like him. And here it is.

"Freedom In Distress-People Hypnotized By The Media N Press-The Most Important Message Digressed Economy Recessed-People Dyin Cuz It Costs Thousands To Reses.itate. People Gettin Tossed Aside Like Elimi Date Government Telling Its People To Wait Cuz They Got Too Much Stacked On Their Dinner Plates. Me I'm Not The Kind To Wait For What-Democracy? To Make Another Mistake! Taking Trips To Elegant Beaches. Americans Arise-Tell Your Government-The Title Of Our Speeches Called Democracy-Rest In Pieces."   -Tyler McCain. 

Yup....he's pretty cool. :)

THIIIIISSSS is random. It's like, random on adderall. With an extra helping of ADD. And I'm sorry. But it's what's going on in my head right now. It's been too long since I've been on here, and I've gotta just sort of type stuff as it comes to me. 

This year, for TWLOHA http://www.twloha.com/,  I, instead of just writing "LOVE" on my arm, did this:---------------------------->>>>>

Those lines? They're the names of over 60 people who asked me to pray for them; people who've lost someone to suicide; people who've cut; people who've come to points in their lives and thought, "No way. I'm done. I'm tired of dealing with all this. I'm just done." 

...I've been there, and made it through to the other side. It looks completely undoable at first, to get through, alive, but it IS possible. I'm living, (scarred) proof. There's HOPE. and LOVE. <3 Writing all these names-seeing them on my arm at work, I was reminded to pray. Goes along with the Bible, and how we're supposed to "pray without ceasing." It really did help me. The people God brings through the hard stuff, have a testimony-a story to tell, and let it be used by God in whatever way He sees fit. 

  ....I met alot of amazing people on FB on the TWLOHA FB page-one girl stands out-Crystal, and her baby girl, Zoya. Something else that stands out-Jeri, and her kids, including Aleea, whose (husband/daddy) decided it'd be better/easier/whatever to take his life instead of seeking help. Those two stories brought tears to my eyes, and I've been praying alot for them all. The names serve as quiet reminders...

On another note. I GOT CHEEZITS!!! I've been craving those tasty little orange crackers for awhile. Soooo, yesterday, on a whim, I went to Big Lots and bought an entire box, all for myself. And I also got Arizona tea. I'd rather have Peace Tea, but I'm good with saving the $$ at Big Lots. :) 

These amazing little four sided baked epitomes of yummy were taken to work with me today, but they were hardly touched. Incept fed us. Because we had a great October. :) Hard work pays off...and, in the words of Dave Walter, "Just think 'Steak.' "   ...I like the way this guy thinks! :p
....there was aloooot of food. subs, chips, cake, and then, they came around later when we were all back on the phone, and were dragging a cooler around with popsicles/fudge pops/orange creamsicles!!! I have an awesome job-they pay me to sit there and talk on the phone, colour, and eat ice cream! ...haha not really...those are just perks. But really-it's a great job-Sooooo thankful to have it! ....Worked from 10:30 to 9:45 today to help pick up the LifesourceREM's...between the 20 of us who came in early, we kicked major bootaaayyy! the files were done by, i wanna say, 1pm? ...and we started at 11. Sooo. between us all, we got about 2000 files done! :D Way to be guys! ! !

....just looked at the bottom of the screen-it's almost 2am! ...gotta get off to bed...heading into work by 10 am and trying to get to where I'm worked up to a 50 hour work week. :) Not gonna be easy, but eventually...

Everyone Deserves Friends Like Mine.

Like i said. Everyone deserves friends like mine.

that's all.



Today was fairly productive. This weekend, however, shall be forevermore known as an episode on "Welcome to Ft. Roberts."
...I came home from work on Saturday night to have Ehlias try to "pillow surf" in the hallway. He ended up almost biting through his lower lip. Lots of blood. He's alright now, but yeeeesh I hadn't realized there was THAT much blood in a lip! After that escapade, mom went to bed, and I stayed up and washed the dogs. Gidg had gotten sick and they alllll needed baths. Then, later, I went to church. And broke my big toe. And of course, this all happened while dad was out of town for work.

Today, was a little better. #1: Mom let me sleep for a long time today. :)
#2 I'm pretty certaint that I aced my interview at Jimmy John's.
#3, I'm going to work tomorrow, and Jackies' party tomorrow after work:)
#4 I got to go out w/ Mayyya.