"Runs In The Family"

"I mean well, I'm well, well, I mean, I'm in Hell
Well, I still have my health, at least that's what they tell me
If wellness is this what in HELL'S NAME IS SICKNESS??"

I don't even know where I'm starting this off. It's been SO long since I've been in the mood to write. I'm finally starting to focus on where I need to be-getting my brain back on the right track. I've spent so much of the past year or so partying; not caring what I'm doing or where I'm going with my life. I regret it. I'm realizing now that all I really want to do, is sell most of my stuff, and move back into my parent's house. I miss being with them, and my brothers...I miss having a church family to keep me accountable, and seeing my mom and dad and everyone. I feel like I'm living on the outside of some picture, and I can't break into the foreground...I'm just allowed looking in from everyone else's point of view. I already know I'm not headed in a great direction. I want to be able to work, and save as much money as possible, and go to school, and get a better vehicle, and stay away from the drugs that I was so deeply into so very recently. I'm finally clean, and I want more than anything to stay that way. I LOVE having my own place, but I won't move forward with how my life is going. It just won't. I want to keep my own apartment, but I don't know if that's the best idea for me. Mentally, I think it'd be for the best if I moved back into my parent's house. I'm back to hurting myself, and I KNOW i can't be doing that. I don't WANT to! But I still do it. And the thing of it is, I'm not consciously doing it. I "black out" and cut, then "come back" mentally, and it's done. And then I'm bleeding, and I'm even more depressed than before, and it's just a never ending cycle of mess and hurt and anger. I don't want to live like that. It's not an environment I can flourish in. And it never will be. Until I get my mind better, everything will be a mess. It's been like that for far too long. With wanting to move back to my parent's house, I'm looking at it with more maturity-I want to move back to save money, and better myself-not just struggle like I currently am. I was able to talk to a few fairly wise people earlier this evening, and I guess I'm not doing all that badly for being 20 years old. I have my own apartment, (and it's nice), I own my car, I have a full time job/career (even if I don't want to be there).....I'm really doing well for myself with my age and in my peer group. But I don't feel that way. I'm just....I've been able to go so far at this point, but it doesn't feel like it's worth anything. I don't want to give up my place, and my "stuff" buuuut, I could be doing SO much more with my life if only I could save my money and go to school. I just don't know what to do right now....

jesse.

To Jesse.

new year, new mistakes, new lessons learned.

twentyfour random things i thought about.

1. i hate my job, even though it's not hard and it's good money.
2. i get depressed every time i see snow.
3. being a grown-up sucks.
4. i cry every time i look at pictures of her and i.
5. starbucks and newports were our tradition.
6. i get tattoos so i don't pick up another knife.
7. my best friends are my journal, and a hipster with John Lennon on her forearm.
8. i miss being in high school. things were easier then.
9. i wish i could pull off short hair.
10. i hate "up-enders."
11. i love "uppers."
12. (i also love "downers.")
13. the Cleveland skyline makes me happy.
14. every time i eat an entire Chipotle burrito in one sitting, i make myself throw it up.
15. all the guys that like me and seem to be worth my time live in different time zones.
16. i wish i were a ginger.
17. i wish i had the guts to work in an ER.
18. i hate when 30 year olds act like they're 18.
19. i wish the White Stripes would get back together.
20. i missed Cedar Point this past summer.
21. i hate the way tattoos itch.
22. i have decided to start reading up on being an EMT or some such thing. i need a direction in life.
23. i love the way that the "F-U-N" song can make anyone smile. anytime.
24. i really dislike regular coke. it HAS to be diet.

screaming at myself in the mirror...

soooo i woke up today thinking it was gonna be an awesome day. really did. got to spend some serious time with someone i was missing like craaaazy. my plans? celebrating my bffs birthday, going out for wings, shopping, and more time with previously mentioned someone. it was going good till i found this:

.....and this:

...and this:

.....fun times. cops were called and all that good shit. talked to my insurance, and found out they won't pay a thing with this. sooo im paying you to do nothing. fuck that shit.

......im just so frustrated.

now my plans for the day? go put duct tape and garbage bags on my car. pick up broken glass. scream a little more. fun times.

learned something lately-TRUST.

...ive never been one to let myself go-to just put all i have into someone else. to let my future be in their hands.
.........frankly, though, it's the only way to go.

I went through so much. stress, depression, etc. i couldn't see the proverbial "light" everyone is supposed to be looking for. i don't think i even cared to look for it. i had just given up.

TRUST.

i have given it ALL to the One who can handle it...and it's been handled, and is better than i could have ever imagined.

ive been angry..and now, everything seems to be okay. i had lost my job, and now have 2.
i was lonely, and have realised im surrounded by wonderful, amazing friends. i was tired, and now im awake and refreshed. everything is good again.

....there are still things that worry me...PCS, one of my oldest and best friends' life choices........
.......and all i can do at this point is pray for those situations-cause, in one, we've fought and fought and fought and there's nothing else to do but pray. Of course, prayer ought to be the first thing one turns to, but so often, it's the last. that was true in my case.

im just done fighting, and pushing away. i know ill still end up getting hurt, and hurting people, but im gonna get through it, and only by the grace of God.