twentyfour random things i thought about.

1. i hate my job, even though it's not hard and it's good money.
2. i get depressed every time i see snow.
3. being a grown-up sucks.
4. i cry every time i look at pictures of her and i.
5. starbucks and newports were our tradition.
6. i get tattoos so i don't pick up another knife.
7. my best friends are my journal, and a hipster with John Lennon on her forearm.
8. i miss being in high school. things were easier then.
9. i wish i could pull off short hair.
10. i hate "up-enders."
11. i love "uppers."
12. (i also love "downers.")
13. the Cleveland skyline makes me happy.
14. every time i eat an entire Chipotle burrito in one sitting, i make myself throw it up.
15. all the guys that like me and seem to be worth my time live in different time zones.
16. i wish i were a ginger.
17. i wish i had the guts to work in an ER.
18. i hate when 30 year olds act like they're 18.
19. i wish the White Stripes would get back together.
20. i missed Cedar Point this past summer.
21. i hate the way tattoos itch.
22. i have decided to start reading up on being an EMT or some such thing. i need a direction in life.
23. i love the way that the "F-U-N" song can make anyone smile. anytime.
24. i really dislike regular coke. it HAS to be diet.

screaming at myself in the mirror...

soooo i woke up today thinking it was gonna be an awesome day. really did. got to spend some serious time with someone i was missing like craaaazy. my plans? celebrating my bffs birthday, going out for wings, shopping, and more time with previously mentioned someone. it was going good till i found this:

.....and this:

...and this:

.....fun times. cops were called and all that good shit. talked to my insurance, and found out they won't pay a thing with this. sooo im paying you to do nothing. fuck that shit.

......im just so frustrated.

now my plans for the day? go put duct tape and garbage bags on my car. pick up broken glass. scream a little more. fun times.

learned something lately-TRUST.

...ive never been one to let myself go-to just put all i have into someone else. to let my future be in their hands.
.........frankly, though, it's the only way to go.

I went through so much. stress, depression, etc. i couldn't see the proverbial "light" everyone is supposed to be looking for. i don't think i even cared to look for it. i had just given up.

TRUST.

i have given it ALL to the One who can handle it...and it's been handled, and is better than i could have ever imagined.

ive been angry..and now, everything seems to be okay. i had lost my job, and now have 2.
i was lonely, and have realised im surrounded by wonderful, amazing friends. i was tired, and now im awake and refreshed. everything is good again.

....there are still things that worry me...PCS, one of my oldest and best friends' life choices........
.......and all i can do at this point is pray for those situations-cause, in one, we've fought and fought and fought and there's nothing else to do but pray. Of course, prayer ought to be the first thing one turns to, but so often, it's the last. that was true in my case.

im just done fighting, and pushing away. i know ill still end up getting hurt, and hurting people, but im gonna get through it, and only by the grace of God.

...hanging my head. always just one step behind never able to catch up.

....my life. it seems like it's just one fuckup after another. family is fighting. drama drama drama.

      .....ive been through SO much shit. im fed up and done with it.

i want someone to hold me. i want someone to talk to, and someone who's shoulder i'll have to cry on.



im sick of wanting to hurt myself because of other people.





i thought my life was gonna be good. i was moving out, had a well-paying job, and i was gonna be happy. now...i don't know what to think.

i found out people weren't who i thought they were.
i was jerked around and lied to.
i was played.
i was harassed.
i was sent reeling and i was fucked over.

and looking back on it all, im done.

i've built up walls and there are reasons.
....do you not see that what you've done and what you've told me have caused me to lose trust?

what are you gonna do to bring me back around?
...cause i can pretty much guarantee it's not gonna work.

i'm struggling. i'm working my ass off to make my life work. and i guess i've learned that in order to make it work, i can't rely on anyone but myself. so fuck this.

//rant.

" A New Year, a New...You? " ...and other Elephants in the room.

A-hem. Alright then. All eyes forward. Yes, that's right. It's officially a New Year. And what have I managed to accomplish in the past 365 days? Not much worthwhile. Striving to make 2011 a better year-one with less brazenness; less holding back? Mhm...that's what I'm leaning towards. 


Enough with the melodrama. 


AGH! I'M ALMOST 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


can you believe it???
I can't. I'm absolutely shocked by this realization. Totally and Utterly shocked. 


Annnnd scene. I'm tired. I started this, and i guess it shall have to be a work-in-progress.