Sweetest Day? Nah. Just a reminder of heartache.

Sweetest Day. Fuck that. A Hallmark Holiday if ever there was one. Couples who truly love each other will show the kind of affection that this day brings, all year long. They won't need ANOTHER specialized day to show it. I mean, birthdays, Valentines (which I wholeheartedly believe in) and, of course, Christmas, are already available. Why ANOTHER occasion for presents? Jeez.

Ok. So maybe I'm a bit jaded. Well, no. I am. Recently I've looked back at all my relationships (with guys), and all but one has been a huge mistake. I've been hurt by men(guys)/boys too much for me to have a healthy relationship with most. I've been told to my face by all but one former boyfriend, that their entire intent and purpose in dating me was to get me in bed, and show me off to their friends. So, yeah. Maybe I am bitter. But I feel like I have reason to be. I've been hurt sexually, mentally, and emotionally too damn much to not broadcast my negativity outwardly.

I'm waiting...every single day...for that guy to show up in my life. To show me, and make known that he wants nothing more in life than to protect me and love me and value me. To this point, I've not had that. The deepest desire in my heart is to find the right guy, eventually get married, and start a family of my own. But I'm to the point of losing hope. I know I'm only 21...that I have the rest of my life to figure this out. I don't want to wait though. I don't. I feel like, at this point, with literally NO options, I'm never going to get there. Ever. And that thought hurts me, and scares me. I try to not think about it, much less TALK about it. Today though, I can't help but let my mind go there.

One day, I'll probably look back on my words surrounding this issue, and laugh. Maybe it'll be while I'm planning my wedding; maybe it'll be holding my first child. Maybe I won't read these later in life. Who knows. I feel like I'm just being silly right now...but I don't care. I have these feelings that are stored up inside me and I'm tired of not thinking about them.

I wish today was different. I wish I was different. I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I wasn't bitter. I wish I had somebody.

Here I am again. Sitting on the floor in my room at my parent's house, crying. Mom and I just got into it over curtains. She doesn't want me to put mine up cause according to her, they don't look nice. During our discussion, she made it clear that she doesn't want me here. If she would have told me that earlier, before I moved back in, I'd have appreciated it. I truthfully don't know what the hell to do. I just don't. I'm stuck. I though I was gonna make it. I had an awesome place on my own, a job that pretty much paid the bills; even with all that I wanted to harm myself-daily I struggled with the urge to just leave. I researched running away, and suicide. Because I stuck with it, I thought I was strong. But I couldn't make it. I quit my job. I moved back home. I failed. And it hurts so much knowing I'm back to square one. No advancement. I've just disappointed EVERYONE. Including me. I hate that I couldn't do it. I tried so hard. SO hard. I' still stuck with the 13 year old me who hid and cut herself. I don't want to be that person anymore. But I can't get away from her. She follows me. Wherever I go and whatever I do. And it sucks. SO much. I feel like I'm never going to get ahead. I'm stuck between failure and fuckup. And I don't know how to fix this. I put so much work into having a nice place to live, and it's GONE. I'm now living with my parents, knowing they don't want me here. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't know how to fix this. I'm at the point of giving up again. To be three years an adult and still HERE- I just can't deal with it. I hate knowing I disappointed my parents. I hate knowing I failed. I hate being alone. ALL I want from life is to find someone & have kids. I want to be a mom. So bad. And I'm watching friends of mine unintentionally have kids, and not want them like I do. And that hurts me. I feel like a kid would be something i COULD do right. And I know i have to change a lot about me before it'd be fair to bring someone else into the world...I'm just so sick and tired of being a failure. I wish I could erase the last three years and just do everything over. I just don't know what else to do.