Saturday, October 19, 2013

Sweetest Day? Nah. Just a reminder of heartache.

Sweetest Day. Fuck that. A Hallmark Holiday if ever there was one. Couples who truly love each other will show the kind of affection that this day brings, all year long. They won't need ANOTHER specialized day to show it. I mean, birthdays, Valentines (which I wholeheartedly believe in) and, of course, Christmas, are already available. Why ANOTHER occasion for presents? Jeez.

Ok. So maybe I'm a bit jaded. Well, no. I am. Recently I've looked back at all my relationships (with guys), and all but one has been a huge mistake. I've been hurt by men(guys)/boys too much for me to have a healthy relationship with most. I've been told to my face by all but one former boyfriend, that their entire intent and purpose in dating me was to get me in bed, and show me off to their friends. So, yeah. Maybe I am bitter. But I feel like I have reason to be. I've been hurt sexually, mentally, and emotionally too damn much to not broadcast my negativity outwardly.

I'm waiting...every single day...for that guy to show up in my life. To show me, and make known that he wants nothing more in life than to protect me and love me and value me. To this point, I've not had that. The deepest desire in my heart is to find the right guy, eventually get married, and start a family of my own. But I'm to the point of losing hope. I know I'm only 21...that I have the rest of my life to figure this out. I don't want to wait though. I don't. I feel like, at this point, with literally NO options, I'm never going to get there. Ever. And that thought hurts me, and scares me. I try to not think about it, much less TALK about it. Today though, I can't help but let my mind go there.

One day, I'll probably look back on my words surrounding this issue, and laugh. Maybe it'll be while I'm planning my wedding; maybe it'll be holding my first child. Maybe I won't read these later in life. Who knows. I feel like I'm just being silly right now...but I don't care. I have these feelings that are stored up inside me and I'm tired of not thinking about them.

I wish today was different. I wish I was different. I wish I didn't care. I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I wasn't bitter. I wish I had somebody.

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