*Babies: the sweet, clean way they smell, the way they look when they're asleep, they way they giggle.
*Caramel Macchiatos: to be enjoyed in an overstuffed leather chair, with a side of Snow Patrol, or The Smiths, and a good, musty smelling book.
*Hoodies: they remind me of bonfires, football games, and wet tennis shoes.
*Music. enough said.
*Cameras: the way i can get lost in the ideas i get while walking around looking at things.
*Soccer: it's exercise that i actually LIKE. :)
*Curios George: something about the innocence of that monkey just gets me.
*Books: i get lost. in the best ways.
*Edgar Allen Poe: yeah, he was crazy, and into drugs, and yes, he married his cousin, but that was the norm back then...he was genius.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
The Smiths and all things Inky.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRtW1MAZ32M
"And if a double decker bus crashes into us, tonight by your side is such a Heavenly way to die."
Yes. I am a sucker for old(er) music. :) I'm a nerd, and I'm not afraid to flaunt that.
Ok. So. I've been at my job for about 2 and a half months. So far, i like it. A lot.
I'm good at what I do, and I've made a lot of new friends. I can get as many hours in as i want to-i could work a 12 hour day if I so desired-which I DON'T, but if I wanted to, I could. It's tiring, and sometimes I start to crack, but most of the time, it's good. :)
I'm on a campaign to stop smoking. Cigarettes contain arsenic, cyanide, carpet glue, and now, whale barf. Whyyyy do i like them exactly? yuuuck.
Annnnnnd I digress.
I started this post a few days ago. And now I have new stuff to talk about. Whether or not anyone chooses to listen, that's up to them.
I've met someone. For now, just a friend. Who knows...it might go further, it might not. Either way, I found a new friend with similar interests. :) And I'm stealing something from him-cause I'm horribly envious and wish I could freestyle like him. And here it is.
"Freedom In Distress-People Hypnotized By The Me
"And if a double decker bus crashes into us, tonight by your side is such a Heavenly way to die."
Yes. I am a sucker for old(er) music. :) I'm a nerd, and I'm not afraid to flaunt that.
Ok. So. I've been at my job for about 2 and a half months. So far, i like it. A lot.
I'm good at what I do, and I've made a lot of new friends. I can get as many hours in as i want to-i could work a 12 hour day if I so desired-which I DON'T, but if I wanted to, I could. It's tiring, and sometimes I start to crack, but most of the time, it's good. :)
I'm on a campaign to stop smoking. Cigarettes contain arsenic, cyanide, carpet glue, and now, whale barf. Whyyyy do i like them exactly? yuuuck.
Annnnnnd I digress.
I started this post a few days ago. And now I have new stuff to talk about. Whether or not anyone chooses to listen, that's up to them.
I've met someone. For now, just a friend. Who knows...it might go further, it might not. Either way, I found a new friend with similar interests. :) And I'm stealing something from him-cause I'm horribly envious and wish I could freestyle like him. And here it is.
"Freedom In Distress-People Hypnotized By The Me
Yup....he's pretty cool. :)
THIIIIISSSS is random. It's like, random on adderall. With an extra helping of ADD. And I'm sorry. But it's what's going on in my head right now. It's been too long since I've been on here, and I've gotta just sort of type stuff as it comes to me.
This year, for TWLOHA http://www.twloha.com/, I, instead of just writing "LOVE" on my arm, did this:---------------------------->>>>>
Those lines? They're the names of over 60 people who asked me to pray for them; people who've lost someone to suicide; people who've cut; people who've come to points in their lives and thought, "No way. I'm done. I'm tired of dealing with all this. I'm just done."
...I've been there, and made it through to the other side. It looks completely undoable at first, to get through, alive, but it IS possible. I'm living, (scarred) proof. There's HOPE. and LOVE. <3 Writing all these names-seeing them on my arm at work, I was reminded to pray. Goes along with the Bible, and how we're supposed to "pray without ceasing." It really did help me. The people God brings through the hard stuff, have a testimony-a story to tell, and let it be used by God in whatever way He sees fit.
....I met alot of amazing people on FB on the TWLOHA FB page-one girl stands out-Crystal, and her baby girl, Zoya. Something else that stands out-Jeri, and her kids, including Aleea, whose (husband/daddy) decided it'd be better/easier/whatever to take his life instead of seeking help. Those two stories brought tears to my eyes, and I've been praying alot for them all. The names serve as quiet reminders...
On another note. I GOT CHEEZITS!!! I've been craving those tasty little orange crackers for awhile. Soooo, yesterday, on a whim, I went to Big Lots and bought an entire box, all for myself. And I also got Arizona tea. I'd rather have Peace Tea, but I'm good with saving the $$ at Big Lots. :)
These amazing little four sided baked epitomes of yummy were taken to work with me today, but they were hardly touched. Incept fed us. Because we had a great October. :) Hard work pays off...and, in the words of Dave Walter, "Just think 'Steak.' " ...I like the way this guy thinks! :p
....there was aloooot of food. subs, chips, cake, and then, they came around later when we were all back on the phone, and were dragging a cooler around with popsicles/fudge pops/orange creamsicles!!! I have an awesome job-they pay me to sit there and talk on the phone, colour, and eat ice cream! ...haha not really...those are just perks. But really-it's a great job-Sooooo thankful to have it! ....Worked from 10:30 to 9:45 today to help pick up the LifesourceREM's...between the 20 of us who came in early, we kicked major bootaaayyy! the files were done by, i wanna say, 1pm? ...and we started at 11. Sooo. between us all, we got about 2000 files done! :D Way to be guys! ! !
....just looked at the bottom of the screen-it's almost 2am! ...gotta get off to bed...heading into work by 10 am and trying to get to where I'm worked up to a 50 hour work week. :) Not gonna be easy, but eventually...
....there was aloooot of food. subs, chips, cake, and then, they came around later when we were all back on the phone, and were dragging a cooler around with popsicles/fudge pops/orange creamsicles!!! I have an awesome job-they pay me to sit there and talk on the phone, colour, and eat ice cream! ...haha not really...those are just perks. But really-it's a great job-Sooooo thankful to have it! ....Worked from 10:30 to 9:45 today to help pick up the LifesourceREM's...between the 20 of us who came in early, we kicked major bootaaayyy! the files were done by, i wanna say, 1pm? ...and we started at 11. Sooo. between us all, we got about 2000 files done! :D Way to be guys! ! !
....just looked at the bottom of the screen-it's almost 2am! ...gotta get off to bed...heading into work by 10 am and trying to get to where I'm worked up to a 50 hour work week. :) Not gonna be easy, but eventually...
Everyone Deserves Friends Like Mine.
Like i said. Everyone deserves friends like mine.
that's all.
Today was fairly productive. This weekend, however, shall be forevermore known as an episode on "Welcome to Ft. Roberts."
...I came home from work on Saturday night to have Ehlias try to "pillow surf" in the hallway. He ended up almost biting through his lower lip. Lots of blood. He's alright now, but yeeeesh I hadn't realized there was THAT much blood in a lip! After that escapade, mom went to bed, and I stayed up and washed the dogs. Gidg had gotten sick and they alllll needed baths. Then, later, I went to church. And broke my big toe. And of course, this all happened while dad was out of town for work.
Today, was a little better. #1: Mom let me sleep for a long time today. :)
#2 I'm pretty certaint that I aced my interview at Jimmy John's.
#3, I'm going to work tomorrow, and Jackies' party tomorrow after work:)
#4 I got to go out w/ Mayyya.
that's all.
Today was fairly productive. This weekend, however, shall be forevermore known as an episode on "Welcome to Ft. Roberts."
...I came home from work on Saturday night to have Ehlias try to "pillow surf" in the hallway. He ended up almost biting through his lower lip. Lots of blood. He's alright now, but yeeeesh I hadn't realized there was THAT much blood in a lip! After that escapade, mom went to bed, and I stayed up and washed the dogs. Gidg had gotten sick and they alllll needed baths. Then, later, I went to church. And broke my big toe. And of course, this all happened while dad was out of town for work.
Today, was a little better. #1: Mom let me sleep for a long time today. :)
#2 I'm pretty certaint that I aced my interview at Jimmy John's.
#3, I'm going to work tomorrow, and Jackies' party tomorrow after work:)
#4 I got to go out w/ Mayyya.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
How many adults does it take to outsmart a pop machine?
Just sayin', my job is turning out to be SO MUCH FUNNN!
:D
At the beginning of training, it seemed to just drag; now, it's flying by! I'm learning SO much, getting to know people so much better, and laughing so much! Tonight, for example: I was falling asleep during the first part of the class, so at our first break, I was going to get a Monster energy drink from the pop machine in the break room. Beau walked over with me, and Ericka was in there when we got there. She was standing there staring angrily at the pop machine, and we asked what had happened. She explained that it took her dollar and she wanted her money back...then we all thought, "Hey! Well, all three of us are getting something, how about one of us goes ahead and then we'll get her dollar back as change! Yeah! That'll work!!" So, I put my dollar and quarter in, and pressed the button for the Monster drinks. I got it, and got a quarter back for my change. I hadn't realised that Monster's were two dollars. So then, Beau was going to get something to get Ericka's change back, and that didn't work. So, then, a woman who was sitting there at a table behind us gave Ericka some change. But that still didn't mean Beau could get what he was going to. So he and I went back to the training room and I gave him all the change I had. Which turned out to not be enough. Then, a woman who's in training with us asked him how much he needed...all he needed was a quarter...she gave it to him, and everything was resolved. But it literally took FIVE adults to outsmart the freaking pop machine! AGHHH! Needless to say, it made me laugh. A lot. :)
...it's things like that, that make me love my job so much. Even though, technically, I've only worked there for three days. And that's only training so far. Anyways. Another reason: Beau. He and I are besties, and working with him is just the most fun thing. :) I think the people who work there are just so awesome. Everyone seems to like working there, and they all seem to get along really well!
I've set a major goal for myself, since last night. It was triggered by a few things...
....I've decided to quit smoking. Cold turkey, I'm finished. I have no more cigarettes, and don't plan on buying any more. I think the first time I thought about quitting was two days ago, at work, when we went on break and I immediately reached for them. The thought flashed through my head that it was unusual for me to go for them w/out thinking about it. I passed it off, grabbed them, and went outside and lit up. It then hit me, yesterday, that a major source of recreation for me is smoking. While I still want to do it, it's kind of gross to me now...thinking about Special Blends gives me a headache...which it has NEVER done before...I had kind of thought that after I finished this pack, I wasn't going to buy any more, and see if I could handle it. Mom and dad beat me to it though. I guess they found empty packs in my trash. And they called me on it last night. So, it all came to a big confrontation, and I'm done. I'll probably end up smoking cigars with friends once in a while, but definitely not as a regular thing.
...I've got this job, now I need to keep my act together. Plus, I was spending alot of money on cigarettes...which I could've been saving. It's a stupid thing to waste money on, because, not only does it hurt you, gradually, albeit, but it also takes money in small increments that you don't really miss. It's a dangerous habit, for more reasons than the obvious. I need to turn some things in my life around: this is just the first step in the process.
...Anyways. I figured it'd be easier to totally quit, now that it's public, on the internet, where I can never get it back. Pretty good motivation, I think.
Hmm.......anyhow.....I think that's basically all I have to talk about right now...I've got to go practice the script for tomorrow...we were told that we're going to be on the phone's by tomorrow night! AGH! Prayers would be great! :) ...I'm going to try to keep this a little more updated that I had been. Starting some things off differently in my life. :)
:D
At the beginning of training, it seemed to just drag; now, it's flying by! I'm learning SO much, getting to know people so much better, and laughing so much! Tonight, for example: I was falling asleep during the first part of the class, so at our first break, I was going to get a Monster energy drink from the pop machine in the break room. Beau walked over with me, and Ericka was in there when we got there. She was standing there staring angrily at the pop machine, and we asked what had happened. She explained that it took her dollar and she wanted her money back...then we all thought, "Hey! Well, all three of us are getting something, how about one of us goes ahead and then we'll get her dollar back as change! Yeah! That'll work!!" So, I put my dollar and quarter in, and pressed the button for the Monster drinks. I got it, and got a quarter back for my change. I hadn't realised that Monster's were two dollars. So then, Beau was going to get something to get Ericka's change back, and that didn't work. So, then, a woman who was sitting there at a table behind us gave Ericka some change. But that still didn't mean Beau could get what he was going to. So he and I went back to the training room and I gave him all the change I had. Which turned out to not be enough. Then, a woman who's in training with us asked him how much he needed...all he needed was a quarter...she gave it to him, and everything was resolved. But it literally took FIVE adults to outsmart the freaking pop machine! AGHHH! Needless to say, it made me laugh. A lot. :)
...it's things like that, that make me love my job so much. Even though, technically, I've only worked there for three days. And that's only training so far. Anyways. Another reason: Beau. He and I are besties, and working with him is just the most fun thing. :) I think the people who work there are just so awesome. Everyone seems to like working there, and they all seem to get along really well!
I've set a major goal for myself, since last night. It was triggered by a few things...
....I've decided to quit smoking. Cold turkey, I'm finished. I have no more cigarettes, and don't plan on buying any more. I think the first time I thought about quitting was two days ago, at work, when we went on break and I immediately reached for them. The thought flashed through my head that it was unusual for me to go for them w/out thinking about it. I passed it off, grabbed them, and went outside and lit up. It then hit me, yesterday, that a major source of recreation for me is smoking. While I still want to do it, it's kind of gross to me now...thinking about Special Blends gives me a headache...which it has NEVER done before...I had kind of thought that after I finished this pack, I wasn't going to buy any more, and see if I could handle it. Mom and dad beat me to it though. I guess they found empty packs in my trash. And they called me on it last night. So, it all came to a big confrontation, and I'm done. I'll probably end up smoking cigars with friends once in a while, but definitely not as a regular thing.
...I've got this job, now I need to keep my act together. Plus, I was spending alot of money on cigarettes...which I could've been saving. It's a stupid thing to waste money on, because, not only does it hurt you, gradually, albeit, but it also takes money in small increments that you don't really miss. It's a dangerous habit, for more reasons than the obvious. I need to turn some things in my life around: this is just the first step in the process.
...Anyways. I figured it'd be easier to totally quit, now that it's public, on the internet, where I can never get it back. Pretty good motivation, I think.
Hmm.......anyhow.....I think that's basically all I have to talk about right now...I've got to go practice the script for tomorrow...we were told that we're going to be on the phone's by tomorrow night! AGH! Prayers would be great! :) ...I'm going to try to keep this a little more updated that I had been. Starting some things off differently in my life. :)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
"Cookies and Juice"
Cookies and juice....
....the start to every college kids' day. Ooohhhkayyyy...so, it may not be the best food, but it's quick, convenient, and easy. (Kind of like a streetwalker...and they're both bad for you....so what's that tell 'ya....) LOL. :p
I'm not a college student, persay, but I do fall into that category..sort of. I realised when I got home from training for Incept last night, that I haven't eaten "real food" in about 4 days now...I've had an assortment of: strawberries, string cheese, yogurt, grilled cheese, starbucks, orange juice, potato chips, a hard boiled pickled egg, chocolate chip cookies, and Pall Malls. Needless to say, I haven't been eating well. I'm going to need to fix that. Soooooon. lol.
So. I said I don't fall into the college student category exactly...well, I'm not attending college, BUT! I may be getting into classes to be a Nurses' Aide...and if that happens, I will have the same kind of schedule as a college student. (just without the partying..I won't have time!)
...my schedule will look something like this: get up and be in Sebring at the nursing home for classes by 7 every morning. Then at 3 pm, when those classes end, I'll have to drive straight from Sebring to Canton, and go to work at Incept from 5-9:45 Tue-Fri. And then all day Saturday. So, it'll be fun. People keep telling me that I'm going to burn out, but I think, honestly, I'll be able to handle it. I'm capable, and willing to work my butt off, so that helps. I started training for Incept last night...well, yesterday, rather. While it wasn't "fun," it wasn't something that I'm dreading going back to. There are 10 people in this class, and I think we'll all do well. There's alot to learn, but there's also alot that I already knew...as far as that there are different kinds of blood donations...it made me feel really cool that I knew that. (Although it may just be because out of everyone, I've been in high school the most recently, and therefore am more familiar with biology...whatever though).
I've got to write a paragraph on my motivation for working at Incept....I'm not sure what angle I'm going to come from on that just yet...I'm looking forward to writing it though....I miss writing...hence I have a blog.
Ohh....yesterday, I had my interview at Copeland Oaks for the nurses aide program...I think it went well. I have to call them in about an hour and tell them that I will be able to make the clinical day for training...I'm so glad I can work out my schedule! I'm praying that I get into the training...it'd definitely give me a step-up if/when I attempt to get my LPN, or RN...
.......Lately, I've been seeing, very clearly, how God is working in my life. During the summer, I was stressing out because I didn't have any plans for this year...I had no job, and I basically had no idea what I was going to do.
I prayed, and filled out alot of applications. And none of them went, or got me, anywhere. I was scared. I was depressed. I was frustrated. I was trying, and failing. And I knew I was disappointing people, and was seen as having no ambition. I was mad. And I wanted to quit trying a few times. It was not a good time.
After coming through it all, and being on the other side, I can see that it was a trust thing. A faith thing. And I somewhat failed, in that I wasn't always trusting of God to take me where He wanted me to be. I'm upset with myself, knowing that all along, I KNEW God was going to take care of me...I should've trusted Him more. At least now I know. It's been proven to me more than once, and I'm going to let GOD do what He's gonna do in my life.
Ohhhkay. Now that I've written the "heavy stuff"...time for my most recent "FML."
....Last night after training, Beau and I went to Starbucks. When I was waiting for my coffee, the barista, (who happened to be about 6'5, ripped as heck, and gorgeous) started asking me what we were doing out and about...I told him about the job training, then we started talking about work in general. I found out he's an RN at Aultman, and we seemed to really hit it off in the 5 minutes we talked. We said goodbye, and Beau and I went outside and sat down. I kicked off my shoes, and was about to smash on my fave coffee-a white chocolate iced latte...when i realised my straw had a hole in it. Beau went back inside to get me a new one, and in doing so, asked the barista for his numer....for me. The barista, I guess, told him: "DUDE! I'm married!" Sooooo.....FAIL.
And I can no longer go to that Starbucks after work. FML. ......something like that WOULD happen to me. Ya know???? Allllways. Whatever. That's just Bubbles for you. XD
......Sooooo....I think I'm going to do the homework for the training class, and get my stuff together...cause then i have to shower and get ready and then leave for Canton...I'm meeting Beau and Donna at Panera for a bit, then going over to Starbucks and reading a book about nursing I grabbed from the library the other night....I'm just going to chill till I have to be at Incept. It'll be a good time. :)
so, i guess this is goodbye...for nooowwww, anyways.
...in the words of the people from my homeland:
Mahalo E Ke Akua No Keia La
Monday, August 23, 2010
Bubbles Is an Adult! :D
Sooo...here I am, with my life finally going somewhere.
Lord, you have been good. :) Great, actually...
Just a quick update: I have a job!
....Starting tomorrow, I am a "Conversational Marketing Expert" for Incept....more on that later.
I am sooo super excited! I also have an interview at a nursing home about 15 minutes from my house..I'd like to become a nurses aide, and they're offering classes....also, after the classes, they'll be hiring some of the people they graduate from the classes...I'm praying that i can get a job there. After that, I'd like to get my LPN, and later on, my RN. So, right now, life is going places. :) As I said before..God is good. :)
Lord, you have been good. :) Great, actually...
Just a quick update: I have a job!
....Starting tomorrow, I am a "Conversational Marketing Expert" for Incept....more on that later.
I am sooo super excited! I also have an interview at a nursing home about 15 minutes from my house..I'd like to become a nurses aide, and they're offering classes....also, after the classes, they'll be hiring some of the people they graduate from the classes...I'm praying that i can get a job there. After that, I'd like to get my LPN, and later on, my RN. So, right now, life is going places. :) As I said before..God is good. :)
Friday, August 13, 2010
holding on for dear life...and smiling the whole time.
......this picture...
.............explains me.
My life, as of late, can best be explained as:
crazy.
insane.
random.
awesome.
I'm not exaggerating. Soooo many things have happened....some good, some bad. Mostly, unchangeable.
...I think what I want to say is, I wouldn't change one little thing about my life right now.
I'm finally at a place in life where I don't hate anything that's going on, or anything that I have to do, or anyone I have to be around. (I think that might be called maturity. Not sure, but I think so.)
I have acted as a rebel....i have tried to outsmart the labels people have placed on me. I have hidden things from my parents. I have snuck out. I have partied with my best friends. I have been a vandal. I have dyed, and pierced. I have smoked. I have run from the cops. I have had the best times of my life.
ILY.
I love music, photography, emo glasses, purple hair, body piercings, and my life.
..I know I'm being suuuuper random. But I can't help it. I can't focus on just one thing right now. I'm too ADD for that...
So. Since I've last posted on this: I dyed my hair purple and pink. I got my belly button pierced. I TP'd a jerk's house with my two besties. I led a preschool VBS group. I was a co-counselor for a day camp. I went to Cedar Point and rode almost every coaster. I rode Top Thrill Dragster in the very front seat, and screamed the whole way and loved it. I got insurance, and am now allowed to drive by myself. I was given my dad's truck to drive. I've been asked out by three short, creepy guys. I have also been asked out by a tall, handsome football player whom I've never met. (my money's on him). . . we'll start hanging out and going to bonfires and such, and we'll see where it all goes. I had my graduation party, and received money, tons of hugs, and "knowledge baby cigars." I went to a rock show and hung out with the band. I went on a bigfoot hike through the nature center in the dark and scared chickens and left random voicemails for my friends' ex boyfriends dad. I went to Sheetz late at night and had a cat follow my friend home. The cat was then named "Boomer", and taken to another friends' house. I watched a hot air balloon fly over my head and land....I fiiiinally got to eat my shave ice..... :) I had a picnik at an old insane asylum with one of my best friends. I reconnected with an old friend and we got lost in the boonies with two drunk guys hitting on us. I had a paint fight with our worship leader. I abandoned my dreams of traveling and photography, for nursing, and, later, political science. I made out with a random guy who I'd not met before, nor have seen since. I decided that I like me the way I am, and that I don't want to change anything. I am happy with my life, and that's how I like it. More later. :)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
...did i pray for patience?
Dear God,
.....Hey. it's me. Uhmmm, I don't remember praying for patience. Maybe that was someone else, and you just got the messages mixed up? ....Well, okay. I know that doesn't happen, but maybe you thought I said I wanted patience.....I can't remember ever praying for that, to be honest.
.....there is SO much in my life that makes NO sense right now.
...........there is only one thing I can do at this point...pray.
God, what have I done that I need to go through this and be so frustrated and sad and confused and just altogether miserable?
......I'm not suffering, per-say, but You could give me just a little idea of what I should be doing.
#1. I need a job. I've put in applications to many places around my town....and I can't seem to get through anywhere.
#2. I need to figure out what I'm to be doing with my life this next year. College? Working at the Statehouse? Just working?
#3. I need to figure out, with Your help, what I'm supposed to do with relationships right now. ......Do we keep being friends? ...do we stop talking altogether? ....do we give courtship another try? ...where is the limit? ...God, what do you want us doing? Why can't we just be friends? ....I feel like it's my fault he tells me we can't be hanging out so much.
..What am I supposed to think when I get a message from him saying that I have "an addictive personality," and that "he's getting too attached to me," and that "he can't let that happen right now..."
....what am I supposed to do when he say's we can't be hanging out so much? ...have I done something wrong? ....but if I haven't, then what has happened to us???
God, I want so much to do Your will. I just need some sense of direction? ....Praying for patience is not something I remember doing.
.....Hey. it's me. Uhmmm, I don't remember praying for patience. Maybe that was someone else, and you just got the messages mixed up? ....Well, okay. I know that doesn't happen, but maybe you thought I said I wanted patience.....I can't remember ever praying for that, to be honest.
.....there is SO much in my life that makes NO sense right now.
...........there is only one thing I can do at this point...pray.
God, what have I done that I need to go through this and be so frustrated and sad and confused and just altogether miserable?
......I'm not suffering, per-say, but You could give me just a little idea of what I should be doing.
#1. I need a job. I've put in applications to many places around my town....and I can't seem to get through anywhere.
#2. I need to figure out what I'm to be doing with my life this next year. College? Working at the Statehouse? Just working?
#3. I need to figure out, with Your help, what I'm supposed to do with relationships right now. ......Do we keep being friends? ...do we stop talking altogether? ....do we give courtship another try? ...where is the limit? ...God, what do you want us doing? Why can't we just be friends? ....I feel like it's my fault he tells me we can't be hanging out so much.
..What am I supposed to think when I get a message from him saying that I have "an addictive personality," and that "he's getting too attached to me," and that "he can't let that happen right now..."
....what am I supposed to do when he say's we can't be hanging out so much? ...have I done something wrong? ....but if I haven't, then what has happened to us???
God, I want so much to do Your will. I just need some sense of direction? ....Praying for patience is not something I remember doing.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
all the scars and boulevards.......
So. I suppose I ought to write something. It's def. been awhile...
So, first off. I am graduating in a month! Yayness! :D
Second. . . I neeeeed a job. Like, money for college...money for a car, and money for a life.
Thirdly, I just "liked" "Not being a midget" on FaceBook. :D
Fourthly, .................idfk!!!!
So, I'm in a bit of a quandary. ...See, I've got this dilemma...of sorts....see, I, over a year ago, let go of something that I now want back....being more mature, and seeing the entire scheme of things....hmmm....
Ok. So, I totally dropped/let go of this, b/c it wasn't what I thought I wanted.....now, seeing how wrong I was, I want it back. . . . I've been there, done that, made all of the bad decisions, and now I want the very thing that I got rid of. :(
I have NO idea what to do about this......I want to say something about this to this certain someone, but I'm really afraid of being rejected. I talked to this person, and I though that perhaps they may be leaning toward the same thing I'm thinking....but then, they hinted at something related to, but opposite what I was going to bring up. Hence, my confusion...and frustration....and just altogether miserableness. I have no idea what I should do at this point. Do I bring up what I want to say, and risk rejection and messing things up? Or do I just not say anything? ....urghhh!!!!!!!!!!
On another subject. I've recently fallen back into the old "emo" mentality....sort of.
In 8th grade, I started cutting....
It didn't seem like it was all that bad to me then....
I thought that since it wasn't illegal, and didn't involve narcotics, it was alright.
But I was sick. Very sick. My parents thought then, and still do, that it was/is just a phase, and that I'll grow out of it....I beg to differ.
There's a song by the band "Skillet" .....it speaks of this very thing....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI&feature=PlayList&p=02BCC0CC44172894&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=20
This song is about a girl who is considering suicide....and a conversation she has......
it means so much to me. ...this song...no, this BAND defines me. . . . this song in particular though....I know what it's like to have parents tell you that it's the coward's way out...that what you're doing is just for attention...that you're lame for hurting yourself....and finally, that it's just a phase...that you'll grow out of it.
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I've BEEN THERE! I know what it's like to be holding a knife or razor blade above your arm, crying...thinking about how good this would feel, but knowing that you don't REALLY want to hurt yourself... I know how it feels in the process, of the lightheadedness...the elation that comes from the control of the situation...I have been there. I thought I had gotten away from it....I wish I could say that I really finally had. I wish to God and beyond that I could say that.
But I can't.
I've slowly moved back toward that.......
It's come to fruition in the past few weeks.....I have come to a point where, just being alone and finding a knife is what gets me to wanting to cut. I don't have to be "down" or depressed anymore.....just the sight of a knife; of a blade....the thought of dragging the sharp edge against my skin makes me want to cut....and I usually follow through on that. I hate it.
I'm working...struggling against this.....I pray that soon, I will find something that replaces this wanting in me....the want to hurt and be in control. I pray, pray PRAY I figure out what to do in lieu of it.....
In the meantime....I'll continue wearing long sleeves and praying no one thinks less of me for it.
In summary......
I'm so ADD...but I needed to write this. I'm not entirely sure why, but I just did. Anyways.
I guess I'll remain confused about the situation I've encountered in my life....maybe I'm supposed to sit back and not say anything.....Maybe God has something in mind for me that I have NO idea about...something that will make me, later in life, realize how happy I am I didn't say anything....
..........................................In any case, I'm done for now.
ciao.
So, first off. I am graduating in a month! Yayness! :D
Second. . . I neeeeed a job. Like, money for college...money for a car, and money for a life.
Thirdly, I just "liked" "Not being a midget" on FaceBook. :D
Fourthly, .................idfk!!!!
So, I'm in a bit of a quandary. ...See, I've got this dilemma...of sorts....see, I, over a year ago, let go of something that I now want back....being more mature, and seeing the entire scheme of things....hmmm....
Ok. So, I totally dropped/let go of this, b/c it wasn't what I thought I wanted.....now, seeing how wrong I was, I want it back. . . . I've been there, done that, made all of the bad decisions, and now I want the very thing that I got rid of. :(
I have NO idea what to do about this......I want to say something about this to this certain someone, but I'm really afraid of being rejected. I talked to this person, and I though that perhaps they may be leaning toward the same thing I'm thinking....but then, they hinted at something related to, but opposite what I was going to bring up. Hence, my confusion...and frustration....and just altogether miserableness. I have no idea what I should do at this point. Do I bring up what I want to say, and risk rejection and messing things up? Or do I just not say anything? ....urghhh!!!!!!!!!!
On another subject. I've recently fallen back into the old "emo" mentality....sort of.
In 8th grade, I started cutting....
It didn't seem like it was all that bad to me then....
I thought that since it wasn't illegal, and didn't involve narcotics, it was alright.
But I was sick. Very sick. My parents thought then, and still do, that it was/is just a phase, and that I'll grow out of it....I beg to differ.
There's a song by the band "Skillet" .....it speaks of this very thing....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI&feature=PlayList&p=02BCC0CC44172894&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=20
This song is about a girl who is considering suicide....and a conversation she has......
it means so much to me. ...this song...no, this BAND defines me. . . . this song in particular though....I know what it's like to have parents tell you that it's the coward's way out...that what you're doing is just for attention...that you're lame for hurting yourself....and finally, that it's just a phase...that you'll grow out of it.
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I've BEEN THERE! I know what it's like to be holding a knife or razor blade above your arm, crying...thinking about how good this would feel, but knowing that you don't REALLY want to hurt yourself... I know how it feels in the process, of the lightheadedness...the elation that comes from the control of the situation...I have been there. I thought I had gotten away from it....I wish I could say that I really finally had. I wish to God and beyond that I could say that.
But I can't.
I've slowly moved back toward that.......
It's come to fruition in the past few weeks.....I have come to a point where, just being alone and finding a knife is what gets me to wanting to cut. I don't have to be "down" or depressed anymore.....just the sight of a knife; of a blade....the thought of dragging the sharp edge against my skin makes me want to cut....and I usually follow through on that. I hate it.
I'm working...struggling against this.....I pray that soon, I will find something that replaces this wanting in me....the want to hurt and be in control. I pray, pray PRAY I figure out what to do in lieu of it.....
In the meantime....I'll continue wearing long sleeves and praying no one thinks less of me for it.
In summary......
I'm so ADD...but I needed to write this. I'm not entirely sure why, but I just did. Anyways.
I guess I'll remain confused about the situation I've encountered in my life....maybe I'm supposed to sit back and not say anything.....Maybe God has something in mind for me that I have NO idea about...something that will make me, later in life, realize how happy I am I didn't say anything....
..........................................In any case, I'm done for now.
ciao.
Friday, May 14, 2010
thoughts and hopes and aspirations and Freddy Kreuger.
So.....I've had alot of time to think...pray...dream. (in fact, I've had alot of dreams...the latest installement being: Freddy Kreuger playing the guy from SAW...he plucked out my right eyeball, while wearing a hockey mask.)
Wow. yup. I'm not on anything. I swear! ....I've just got ALOT on my mind...
Have you ever come to a point in life where you looked back at the last 18 months or so, and wondered who the heck had possessed your body and made all those bad decisions???
Yeahhh....that's me right now. I'm reading my journal entries from last year...thinking, "JEEEZ! Was I out of my freakin' mind???"
I gave up some great people....and gravitated toward those who meant me nothing but harm. If I could go back to where I stood with me, and with God when i was beginning my junior year.....oh wow what I would give to do that!
See, I know that we all have to make some mistakes, in order to appreciate what we have....in order to want to stay close to God and be in His arms at all times....I just wish the things i did weren't as extreme as they were...
In looking back at my life, I've wanted to, not just crawl back up, but leap! ...FLY even! back to God and His protectiveness...
I miss Him.
Friday, April 30, 2010
confuzzled and backpacking through Ireland
So, I've been in SoCal since last Friday. We're leaving tonight to head back home, and I have to say, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've had a great time here, spending time with family, getting to suntan, and just sightseeing. I do miss being home, obv., considering that I've only spent roughly 8 hours home in the past 2 weeks... Anyways. Cali has been fun; I'm so glad I got to come! ...We spent 2 days at my aunt and uncles timeshare in Palm Springs...that was really fun.
The second night we were there, there was an amazing sunset over the mountains...I ran outside with my camera and jumped onto the golf course and took tons of pictures...I think this is one of the best... :)
This was the view from the lanai at the timeshare we stayed in. It was so great...we had the pool, the hot tub, and a lazy river all close by...I was out in the sun almost all day! 
...Most people probably don't know what this is. This is from the "Dr. Bronners" soap plant in (vista?..I'm not positive) Cali. We use the Dr. Bronner's soap at home, so it was really neat to see the factory. We even got to meet Mrs. Bronner, the daughter in law. She was really nice and gave us a tour of the whole facility. Later last night, we went to P.F. Chang's for dinner...I had jasmine blackberry green tea, spring rolls, clam dumplings, garlic snap peas, and Dan Dan noodles. It was so much food, and it all tasted SO good! I was stuffed!
...I don't have time to say anything else right now..I've got to pack, and then we're going out again. Once I get back home and have all my things in order, I'll have to write a much fuller, in-depth blog. But for now, <3 & all...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
"Satellite Skin, Guilty Cocker Spaniels, Autumn Beds, and 18ths."
Today was an odd, frustrating day. Not gonna lie, I wanted to just, idk...go throw on some Underoath and get my razor out. I didn't, but I wanted to. Instead, I turned on Blue October, and Mandisa (haha yeahhh....weird combo, I know-but that's the kind of day it was), and sang my lungs off while doing laundry. Hmmm...mayhaps that'll be what I turn to instead of cutting now...as long as no one's home. lol.
Anyways...I guess the "weirdness" of today started this morning...I overslept, as I stayed up till 2 am watching 500 Days of Summer...I was awoken by my grandma yelling for me to get up around 7:20ish. I jumped out of bed, called Britt to see if she could pick me up, and then got ready fly-fast. I had to be at church for the early service by 8 am....somehow, during my extreme rush to get ready, I pulled together an *uber* cute outfit-not gonna lie. . . a dress (white lace/ruching on top, dark navy pencil skirt on bottom), an Old Navy crocheted light-blue sweater, and zebra print cut out flats. I was spazzing about my hair, but, being that it's already wavy, I just sprayed and scrunched it into slightly better waves. ....So, I was in the middle of brushing my teeth when Britt called my cell-I told her I'd be right out. I ran down the stairs and grabbed my purse (I'm just glad I didn't have to get my guitar!) ....I yelled goodbye to everyone, and then jumped in Mitzi, and went to church. ....Khullen (13 yr old bro) showed up at church after the first part of service-worship. (Which, btw, I did well at....I had a sm. solo part for one song, and I guess the adults didn't know I sang, so afterwards, they were all telling me what a great voice I have...that's something that'll lift your day!) Anyhow, Khullen told me that Grandma was mad at me b/c we didn't take Khullen with us this morning. ....he never said anything about wanting to go with us, and he wasn't ready when I left...(he stayed up late watching Taken)....anyhow, Gramma was mad. I wasn't too worried about it, honestly. Uhm, after Sunday School, Kayla and I sat out in the foyer on the couch/chair, and talked...about our houses, when we're older..how we want to have a single room in our houses- our, "white room" where we can go, and lock ourselves in, and throw paint, or draw on the walls, or WHATEVER! in response to how we're feeling....I love the idea...I think we ought to do it. Then, the woman who I've asked to take my senior pictures walked over to us and she and I discussed a location for some pics...there's an old haunted asbestos filled mental hospital about 20 mins from my house...there's great architecture, and, as a photographer, I think it'd make for some GREAT photos..very unique, that's for sure. Anyhow, after that, I accidently made up a new "happy dance", and then church let out....my Grandma walked right past me, saw me, as I tried to talk to her, and then kept walking, first to the restroom, and then out to her car. I got my brothers, and we went out to the car. She started in on me about how "hateful it was that I didn't bother taking Khullen with me eariler in the morning." About how, "I needed to get over being such a selfish teenager, and be nicer to my brother, and stop being so hateful toward him." .....Oh...kay? ....(Khullen had gone over to Britt and Kayla's to hang w/ their younger bro, who is 13 also, so I couldn't ask him what grandma was talking about.) When we got home, she started gathering her things, and said that she was leaving, and that we were on our own for the rest of the day. She left, and, it's been me, and the two youngest boys at home all afternoon. I cleaned up; dishes, the kitchen, the laundry, living room, etc. and worked on a paper that's due tomorrow for school. My parents, (who were out of town for a military happening) called and said that they'd not be home until late...meaning that I was/am missing youth group to babysit. I understand that there's nothing we could do, but it makes me super upset at my grandma for leaving....I'm turning 18 tomorrow, and one of our guitarist's birthday is also tomorrow-I wanted to wish him happy birthday in person, and also, just be at youth group. (not to mention I'm the bass player-the only one? ...so, worship will be missing a bass guitar tonight.) Oh well. There's absolutely nothing at all I can do.
I've been frustrated all day....really, really frustrated. . . and, other than the obvious, it doesn't make much sense. Maybe it's cause I'm tired....who really knows? ....I've been on the laptop working on my paper-supporting that our troops are in Iraq....this paper has ended up being harder than I thought, considering my dad's a soldier, and spent last year in Iraq. Anyways, I was looking for something to distract me a little, so that maybe my writer's block would go away...I "stumbled upon" the Modest Mouse music website, and have been listening to it for quite awhile...http://www.modestmousemusic.com/ is amazing.....I'm so happy I found it! .......Anyways....Mum called a bit earlier and told me to start thinking of where I want to go to dinner tomorrow night....usually, for our birthdays, we get to choose what we have for dinner...I guess though, that, for 18th birthdays, we are going out...which is very cool. I'm leaning toward a Sushi resaurant....although I'm not sure...there's one good place fairly close to where I live...I'm just thinking about my brothers, and if they would eat there....I'm not sure. Anyhow.
....Mum said that dad was planning on scheduling my driver's test for Thursday....hopefully I'll pass! ....*my fingers are definetly crossed!*....
Anyways.....Oh. Easter was fairly good.....the best part was that I got some really good pictures of my cousins, and some of the land around my grandma's house...
.....i just have a few for right now...but I'm fairly sure that these are the best. :)
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Me and Mom
This is my mom and I. We have a love-hate relationship sometimes. Some times, we love to scream and be mad at each other, and sometimes, we hate not to talk. Normally, we go at least a few weeks without really talking. We may speak to each other, but we don't really talk. Tonight, after my family got back from my grandma's house, my dad told me that my mom had to go back out, and he wanted me to go with her. We went to WalMart, and at one point, ended up running from a huge cart-thingy that seemed to be chasing us. In all, while we were out, we (at least I), had fun. After we got home, we made up my brother's Easter baskets...and then my mom frosted a cake we're taking with us when we go back to my grandma's tomorrow. While she was frosting, I started talking. ...I sort of opened up about my past relationships, (dating and otherwise) and just sort of vented a little. Just blew off a little steam. And then my mom came back to me with some good advice, and some things that are just good to keep in the back of my head to think about. Idk. I really enjoyed talking to her tonight....I wish we did that more often. That's okay though...we'll have time to at the end of this month while we're in Cali. We'll have the whole plane ride, and then afternoons lying in the sun in Palm Springs. It'll sort of be one last "schebang" before I graduate...something that is much needed. That's for sure. I can't wait to leave...There's only 19 days before we board the plane!!! :) I'm so excited...anyways....So, later this morning (technically), I have to get all dressed up and all and get to church by 8 for our new early worship service. I love being involved with it, but holy crow it's hard singing that early...I desperately need something to help my vocal cords get all warmed up beforehand! ...Hopefully everything'll go really well in the AM...although, technically, it's already the AM....ok.., um, later on today. There. That sounds better. So, anyways, I must go and dive into the throes of unconsciousness in order to prepare myself for the stresses and activities of the day.
...Chiao!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
And so, my life becomes more my own....
I think that my parents may have FINALLY realized that I'm not going to be their little girl for very much longer...I'm going to be 18 in 9 days...I'm graduating on June 26th...I'm looking into the military for my years after high school...I want to become my own person. Soon. I think my parents were hit hard by the fact that I actually asked them last night if they would take me to see the recruiter today...my dad did take me, but for some reason or another, the office was closed. So, no military for me today. Maybe Monday...or something. When we found the office closed, my dad said that we were dropping home so that I could pick up my book to study for the test, and that we were going directly to the BMV after that. I was so worried that I would fail the test...I think I missed 5 questions the other time I took it....turns out, that, after not studying for a year, I missed 1 question-about tire treads. I didn't even know that was mentioned in the study book. In all, I done goooood. heh. And to make the day even better, my pic turned out really well. Waayyyyy better than my first one.( which I am never showing anyone, b/c of it's ugliness)...
Anyhow, (I've been teased b/c of how excited I am...but I don't mind)...I have to say that, all in all, today went very well for me. :)
On a different note, my family is headed to my grandmas tomorrow for Easter-both the dinner, and poss. the egg hunt. I can't wait to get to take pictures of all my cousins...most of them from my dad's side will be there tomorrow..I really Really miss the one's that won't be there though...I really hope that somehow, somewhere down the road, my family will come back together. Somehow.
Uhhhm, on a lighter note...hhmmm...I'm not too sure I have anything else to say at this point...guess I'm done then! Chiao....
Thursday, April 1, 2010
To my besties, with lots and lots of love.
It kind of hit me tonight that I have two of the most amazing best friends in the whole world. Like, ever.
Brittany Kayla
So, as it's late, I'm not going to post a whole lot right now...I will soon, but at the moment, I'm just going to give you some QOTD's. (translation: Quote of the days). ....I will also explain the surroundings from each of these quotes...Kay. Numero Uno: We went to BK as a sort of joke to get a whopper for our worship leader at church. He was very specific in what kind of burget he wanted. "No onions, no cheese, Double Bun Bottoms." lol Yeah...Britt walked into BK and told the guy she wanted "Double Bun Bottoms" on her whopper. L.O.L. QOTD right there. Numero Dos: We had taken Britt's car to run to BK--I'll explain later--anyhow, when we pulled back into our church parking lot, I mini-spazzed, yelling, "OMG BRITT! your car's gone!!!" ....yeahhh...Britt's response? "L.O.L. dummy. You're IN it!!!" Numero tres: As we were walking back into church after my mini spazz, Britt goes and says, "Omg. Nobody got my purse from Mitzi!(her car). I looked down, and said, "Uhhhmmm, Britt, you're holding it." hahahaha. Yeah. Nice. Ok. Numero Cuatro: We were up on the stage in our youth room; Kayla was messing with my mic stand, and dancing a little. Britt yelled at her to stop pole dancing, to which Kayla replied, ""I was NOT pole dancing!!!! If I was pole dancing, I'd be this close and be all like 'Hey pole.." Yet another QOTD. ....yes. my best friends and I live convoluted/complex, and CRAZY lives. (due in part to the fact that two of us are ADD, and two are Blonde) ....Anyhow. Wanted to get these jotted down before sleep would erase them from my mind.
Britt, Kayla, and myself.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Come on, take charge
Let's go light the world up
Let's not wait until the end
To be the things we wish we'd been
You were meant to live life
Come on, let's fly
You're a super trouper spotlight
We're gonna jump on the count of three
Here it comes now
ONE - TWO - THREE - JUMP!!!!
(you can listen to the full song from here:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWNciqHcRfI
....one of my absolute favorite songs right now...I've been listening to Pandora and working on a paper for school, and this song came on...had to share. Basically, it makes me think: "Don't stand in the background...don't allow yourself to be walked upon...stand up for yourself, and what/who you believe in. Don't let anyone influence you if you don't want them to. Stand up, and BE STRONG!...anyways, yeah. :)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Spring is officially here in N.E. Ohio. Finally!!!
(very first photograph of flowers from 2010)
(from the back alley earlier this evening)
(teeny little weed in amongst the dead leaves and such...yes, this little guy will most likely be pulled from his sad little life this weekend, but for now, he's green and that's good enough for me.)
fact as fiction and tv reality.
I can't believe the news today
Oh, I can't close my eyes and make it go away
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight we can be as one, tonight
Broken bottles under children's feet
Bodies strewn across the dead end streets
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
And the battle's just begun
There's many lost but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight we can be as one
Tonight, tonight
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Wipe your tears away
Oh, wipe your tears away
Oh, wipe your tears away
Oh, wipe your blood shot eyes
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
And it's true we are immune when fact is fiction and TV reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die
The real battle just begun to claim the victory Jesus won on
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Sunday Bloody Sunday
© POLYGRAM INT. MUSIC PUBL. B.V.;
............this is one of my favorite songs. It relates to more than one instance of war, or what ever you
want to describe it as. I look around at the news being broadcasted- can you find anything any more
depressing? ...honestly. Dispute in America over healthcare; abortion, which has taken more lives than the Holocaust did; assisted suicide; bombings in Russia; the aftereffects of the genocide in Africa; children dying every day because of preventable diseases and hunger; families torn apart by social issues; need I go on? .........if I keep all those problems out of my mind, and dwell on the stressful things going on in my life; preparing for graduation, figuring out what I'm going to do after graduation, photography projects, school papers, drama with friends, my family; all those combined seem to overwhelm me. But then I look up and out from myself, and I realize that in all, my life isn't that bad. I've got the option of sitting in a corner being mad at the world because I didn't get my way, or I can get up and DO something. I'm not sure yet what that something will be, but I know that when I find it, it will hit me like a brick on the head, and I'll finally get it. I just pray that I figure it out soon.
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