all the scars and boulevards.......

So. I suppose I ought to write something. It's def. been awhile...
So, first off. I am graduating in a month! Yayness! :D
Second. . . I neeeeed a job. Like, money for college...money for a car, and money for a life.
Thirdly, I just "liked" "Not being a midget" on FaceBook. :D
Fourthly, .................idfk!!!!

So, I'm in a bit of a quandary. ...See, I've got this dilemma...of sorts....see, I, over a year ago, let go of something that I now want back....being more mature, and seeing the entire scheme of things....hmmm....
   Ok. So, I totally dropped/let go of this, b/c it wasn't what I thought I wanted.....now, seeing how wrong I was, I want it back. . . . I've been there, done that, made all of the bad decisions, and now I want the very thing that I got rid of. :(  
    I have NO idea what to do about this......I want to say something about this to this certain someone, but I'm really afraid of being rejected. I talked to this person, and I though that perhaps they may be leaning toward the same thing I'm thinking....but then, they hinted at something related to, but opposite what I was going to bring up. Hence, my confusion...and frustration....and just altogether miserableness. I have no idea what I should do at this point. Do I bring up what I want to say, and risk rejection and messing things up? Or do I just not say anything? ....urghhh!!!!!!!!!!

On another subject. I've recently fallen back into the old "emo" mentality....sort of.
In 8th grade, I started cutting....
    It didn't seem like it was all that bad to me then....
I thought that since it wasn't illegal, and didn't involve narcotics, it was alright.
    But I was sick. Very sick. My parents thought then, and still do, that it was/is just a phase, and that I'll grow out of it....I beg to differ.
There's a song by the band "Skillet" .....it speaks of this very thing....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI&feature=PlayList&p=02BCC0CC44172894&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=20
 This song is about a girl who is considering suicide....and a conversation she has......
            it means so much to me. ...this song...no, this BAND defines me. . . . this song in particular though....I know what it's like to have parents tell you that it's the coward's way out...that what you're doing is just for attention...that you're lame for hurting yourself....and finally, that it's just a phase...that you'll grow out of it.
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I've BEEN THERE! I know what it's like to be holding a knife or razor blade above your arm, crying...thinking about how good this would feel, but knowing that you don't REALLY want to hurt yourself... I know how it feels in the process, of the lightheadedness...the elation that comes from the control of the situation...I have been there. I thought I had gotten away from it....I wish I could say that I really finally had. I wish to God and beyond that I could say that.

But I can't.

I've slowly moved back toward that.......

It's come to fruition in the past few weeks.....I have come to a point where, just being alone and finding a knife is what gets me to wanting to cut. I don't have to be "down" or depressed anymore.....just the sight of a knife; of a blade....the thought of dragging the sharp edge against my skin makes me want to cut....and I usually follow through on that. I hate it.

I'm working...struggling against this.....I pray that soon, I will find something that replaces this wanting in me....the want to hurt and be in control. I pray, pray PRAY I figure out what to do in lieu of it.....

In the meantime....I'll continue wearing long sleeves and praying no one thinks less of me for it.

In summary......

I'm so ADD...but I needed to write this. I'm not entirely sure why, but I just did. Anyways.
     I guess I'll remain confused about the situation I've encountered in my life....maybe I'm supposed to sit back and not say anything.....Maybe God has something in mind for me that I have NO idea about...something that will make me, later in life, realize how happy I am I didn't say anything....

                  ..........................................In any case, I'm done for now.

ciao.

                                         this screams "peace" to me....I just wanted to share it....

thoughts and hopes and aspirations and Freddy Kreuger.

    

    So.....I've had alot of time to think...pray...dream. (in fact, I've had alot of dreams...the latest installement being: Freddy Kreuger playing the guy from SAW...he plucked out my right eyeball, while wearing a hockey mask.)
    Wow. yup. I'm not on anything. I swear! ....I've just got ALOT on my mind...
    Have you ever come to a point in life where you looked back at the last 18 months or so, and wondered who the heck had possessed your body and made all those bad decisions???
    Yeahhh....that's me right now. I'm reading my journal entries from last year...thinking, "JEEEZ! Was I out of my freakin' mind???"
     I gave up some great people....and gravitated toward those who meant me nothing but harm. If I could go back to where I stood with me, and with God when i was beginning my junior year.....oh wow what I would give to do that!
     See, I know that we all have to make some mistakes, in order to appreciate what we have....in order to want to stay close to God and be in His arms at all times....I just wish the things i did weren't as extreme as they were...
     In looking back at my life, I've wanted to, not just crawl back up, but leap! ...FLY even! back to God and His protectiveness...
  
    I miss Him.